Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Meric Long, Notes
I feel like I've been told to not get inside myself too much multiple times. I don't listen well.
Today I failed.
There are times when situation after situation make you question whether you have any idea what you are doing. When you take a brief step back (long enough to find that there is an issue with your contribution to the world but not long enough to be able to identify the issue) and you are completely stumped by your absolute and utter incompetence at, well at everything.
Like when you have been working somewhere for three weeks and someone asks you where the bathroom is, and you open your mouth to answer and then there is that awkward pause where the person is probably peeing their pants because you still haven't answered the question because you just realized that, "What the heck? How do I not know where the bathrooms are? Isn't that the most basic information? I mean people that don't work here know that."
Or when someone asks you about something and you say, "Yeah I totally know what you are saying. You just go over to the computer, type in the title, get the call number and go search for the book." And then they look at you like you just told them that their child is the worst soccer player on the team. And then they hand you a slip of paper and say, "Actually you are supposed to go in the back and get the book for me." Oh. Right. Even you knew that.
Or when the lab instructor comes by to check on your work and he says, "are you sure about that answer?" And you say, "well since you said something, no, no I'm not sure anymore." And then he says, "Well it's obviously not slate because slate doesn't have minerals and these minerals are huge." Well. I guess I should change my answer now.
Or when you sit down next to someone at a leadership program and they are like, "Hi my name is Nick and I own a small business while going to school and getting a double major. I created two new student organizations, I volunteer in the community and I led and initiative that was wildly successful to send over 2,000 pounds of food to Haiti within one month." And then you say, "Hi I'm Anna I can't explain my major to you because I'm kind of meshing some things together and crossing my fingers so it will work out, I, uh, well I go to school here. And sometimes I leave my room to get food and stuff so we are basically on the same level."
And at the end of the day you look at your life, look at your choices and you see a fairly productive day. But then if you squint one eye and cup your hands like a telescope you see nothing. Nothing. That is the your effect on the world. I mean you yourself are benefiting a lot. You are getting paid for being barely competent at your job, your mistakes are corrected by other so you are never really allowed to fail, and people say, "Well you're young, maybe one day you will make some sort of contribution to society."
And all of these small things start to pile up and it makes you sad. Not the kind of sad when you are angry sad or crying sad but the kind of sad when your heart gives a tiny little sigh. Like when you climb a really tall building and look down and the people look like dots and it's really cool for a while because it's like you are a king or superhero and then you realize that you could easily be an unidentifiable, insignificant dot. It's not like you are so shaken up that you are going to jump off the building but for a little bit it feels just a tad unfair.
And then you climb back down and you go about your life and the same thing happens again but this time with small things in your life. And you realize that you are that dot again. But this time you look around and you see real people doing real things, making real contributions. And you kind of suck for not being a real person. For having so much and not doing anything to give back. And then you walk the streets of D.C. and it's cold but you have a warm room to go to, while others have a cold sidewalk. And you see how much of a dot you are. Because there is so much you could do. But you have been taught stranger danger and you have been told well what can you really do.
Well why not ask. I mean why has this never been a solution to me before? Why not go up and ask, what can I do for you? Spare a few dollars? Do it. Why have I been taught to be so stingy? Why is there no more empathy. Is that no longer a desirable trait? I mean this is literally type vomit. Something that crossed my mind and quickly zapped onto the keyboard. But I like it. I like it a lot.
Not that this will help me not be a dot. Or tell people where the bathroom is located. But the first step is to be aware of my insignificance. The next is to decide how I will not longer be insignificant. I have plans for the future, but let's be real, will I even make it that far? And aren't my plans a little ambitious and idealistic? Yes, yes they are. I haven't even given the world a real chance to knock me down and steal my livelihood yet. So what am I, Anna Martinez, going to do to stop being a dot? Good question, real good. I mean there are people fighting, literally giving up everything for the abstract concept of freedom. People all around me are changing lives of millions, people younger than me. Let's get real I'm aging faster than I should be. I should jump on my life and get my act together. People have let me coast by way too easily.
I want to change the world.
Impossible.
Why would I set my sights any lower?
I want to work with immigrants.
Children.
The education system.
Worker's rights.
Families that are not so cohesive (by that I mean falling apart).
The elderly. Give them the respect they deserve.
Adults who can't read.
Children in other nations who are forced to be grown ups.
Children here who are spoiled.
I want to hide in the mountains and live a life away from people.
I want to yell at everyone who gets drunk and high on weekends and punch them in the face.
I want to show people how much they are hurting, themselves, others, me, their future families and wives/husbands.
I want to stop unemployment.
I want schools to have better ESL programs.
Anti bullying programs.
Better disability programs.
I want ignorance to be gone.
I want gender equality.
I want enough sleep.
And I want to be happy with someone who loves me and believes in me.
Someone who is not my family.
Someone who God wants me to have.
I want people to feel the love God has shown me.
To stop suicide.
To stop self disappointment, self hatred.
I want to know what I want and how to get it.
I want to be a real person.
I'm tired of being a dot, even though I'm really good at it, too good.
I want someone who appreciates education. And college for learning. FOR LEARNING.
I might be all over the place. So let me get an action plan together. Lord, lead me to where you want me. To what you want me to do. Keep my views in perspective. Remind me in my supposed times of need of those with real problems. Lord help me make your world better. Help me to change the world. Help me to do this without falling into corruption. Lord teach me appreciation, teach me gratitude.
Like when you have been working somewhere for three weeks and someone asks you where the bathroom is, and you open your mouth to answer and then there is that awkward pause where the person is probably peeing their pants because you still haven't answered the question because you just realized that, "What the heck? How do I not know where the bathrooms are? Isn't that the most basic information? I mean people that don't work here know that."
Or when someone asks you about something and you say, "Yeah I totally know what you are saying. You just go over to the computer, type in the title, get the call number and go search for the book." And then they look at you like you just told them that their child is the worst soccer player on the team. And then they hand you a slip of paper and say, "Actually you are supposed to go in the back and get the book for me." Oh. Right. Even you knew that.
Or when the lab instructor comes by to check on your work and he says, "are you sure about that answer?" And you say, "well since you said something, no, no I'm not sure anymore." And then he says, "Well it's obviously not slate because slate doesn't have minerals and these minerals are huge." Well. I guess I should change my answer now.
Or when you sit down next to someone at a leadership program and they are like, "Hi my name is Nick and I own a small business while going to school and getting a double major. I created two new student organizations, I volunteer in the community and I led and initiative that was wildly successful to send over 2,000 pounds of food to Haiti within one month." And then you say, "Hi I'm Anna I can't explain my major to you because I'm kind of meshing some things together and crossing my fingers so it will work out, I, uh, well I go to school here. And sometimes I leave my room to get food and stuff so we are basically on the same level."
And at the end of the day you look at your life, look at your choices and you see a fairly productive day. But then if you squint one eye and cup your hands like a telescope you see nothing. Nothing. That is the your effect on the world. I mean you yourself are benefiting a lot. You are getting paid for being barely competent at your job, your mistakes are corrected by other so you are never really allowed to fail, and people say, "Well you're young, maybe one day you will make some sort of contribution to society."
And all of these small things start to pile up and it makes you sad. Not the kind of sad when you are angry sad or crying sad but the kind of sad when your heart gives a tiny little sigh. Like when you climb a really tall building and look down and the people look like dots and it's really cool for a while because it's like you are a king or superhero and then you realize that you could easily be an unidentifiable, insignificant dot. It's not like you are so shaken up that you are going to jump off the building but for a little bit it feels just a tad unfair.
And then you climb back down and you go about your life and the same thing happens again but this time with small things in your life. And you realize that you are that dot again. But this time you look around and you see real people doing real things, making real contributions. And you kind of suck for not being a real person. For having so much and not doing anything to give back. And then you walk the streets of D.C. and it's cold but you have a warm room to go to, while others have a cold sidewalk. And you see how much of a dot you are. Because there is so much you could do. But you have been taught stranger danger and you have been told well what can you really do.
Well why not ask. I mean why has this never been a solution to me before? Why not go up and ask, what can I do for you? Spare a few dollars? Do it. Why have I been taught to be so stingy? Why is there no more empathy. Is that no longer a desirable trait? I mean this is literally type vomit. Something that crossed my mind and quickly zapped onto the keyboard. But I like it. I like it a lot.
Not that this will help me not be a dot. Or tell people where the bathroom is located. But the first step is to be aware of my insignificance. The next is to decide how I will not longer be insignificant. I have plans for the future, but let's be real, will I even make it that far? And aren't my plans a little ambitious and idealistic? Yes, yes they are. I haven't even given the world a real chance to knock me down and steal my livelihood yet. So what am I, Anna Martinez, going to do to stop being a dot? Good question, real good. I mean there are people fighting, literally giving up everything for the abstract concept of freedom. People all around me are changing lives of millions, people younger than me. Let's get real I'm aging faster than I should be. I should jump on my life and get my act together. People have let me coast by way too easily.
I want to change the world.
Impossible.
Why would I set my sights any lower?
I want to work with immigrants.
Children.
The education system.
Worker's rights.
Families that are not so cohesive (by that I mean falling apart).
The elderly. Give them the respect they deserve.
Adults who can't read.
Children in other nations who are forced to be grown ups.
Children here who are spoiled.
I want to hide in the mountains and live a life away from people.
I want to yell at everyone who gets drunk and high on weekends and punch them in the face.
I want to show people how much they are hurting, themselves, others, me, their future families and wives/husbands.
I want to stop unemployment.
I want schools to have better ESL programs.
Anti bullying programs.
Better disability programs.
I want ignorance to be gone.
I want gender equality.
I want enough sleep.
And I want to be happy with someone who loves me and believes in me.
Someone who is not my family.
Someone who God wants me to have.
I want people to feel the love God has shown me.
To stop suicide.
To stop self disappointment, self hatred.
I want to know what I want and how to get it.
I want to be a real person.
I'm tired of being a dot, even though I'm really good at it, too good.
I want someone who appreciates education. And college for learning. FOR LEARNING.
I might be all over the place. So let me get an action plan together. Lord, lead me to where you want me. To what you want me to do. Keep my views in perspective. Remind me in my supposed times of need of those with real problems. Lord help me make your world better. Help me to change the world. Help me to do this without falling into corruption. Lord teach me appreciation, teach me gratitude.
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Land is Awakening
I guess today I am a little bitter because today it is perfect outside. So perfect. This is two days in a row where my body is meant to lay in the grass. But, unlike yesterday, today I have to be inside. Inside a building, inside classroom, inside an office. I can still appreciate the beauty of the day from within these walls, though it's not the same as being outside and appreciating it with my body.
Not only can I not enjoy the weather today, but tomorrow and the rest of the week it is supposed to get cooler and cooler with snow on Tuesday. I love snow, probably too much, but I desperately need to feel the sunlight on my skin, to synthesize some vitamin D and get my melatonin and serotonin up and running again. And I need this weather to allow me to feel like I am home. When the sun is out it is a little bit more like home. Winter here is drab, oh but spring and summer make me almost believe that this is a portion of home. Where I wake up to this:
And go to bed to this:
Today I just want to read on a grassy field, but there does seem to be a shortage of those around here. Everyone is cramped onto the small plots of grass. No room for me, no open spaces. It makes me miss this:
I just want farms. Weird right? One of the things that most people make fun of is the seemingly abnormal amount of farms. But after a semester in the city I realized that one-there are no farms here, literally, and that living in an area with farms is a lifestyle which is slowly becoming impossible. Now many farms are government versus family run. This knowledge helps me appreciate getting stuck behind tractors while driving, the smell of spring is now forever freshly spread manure, and farms are my definition of home, hopefully that image will last.
Overall it is such a blessing to have this weather. To be able to rejoice because of it. I know spring will come when it needs to. And I know that I will soon be smelling the moist manure back at home.
Not only can I not enjoy the weather today, but tomorrow and the rest of the week it is supposed to get cooler and cooler with snow on Tuesday. I love snow, probably too much, but I desperately need to feel the sunlight on my skin, to synthesize some vitamin D and get my melatonin and serotonin up and running again. And I need this weather to allow me to feel like I am home. When the sun is out it is a little bit more like home. Winter here is drab, oh but spring and summer make me almost believe that this is a portion of home. Where I wake up to this:
And go to bed to this:
I just want farms. Weird right? One of the things that most people make fun of is the seemingly abnormal amount of farms. But after a semester in the city I realized that one-there are no farms here, literally, and that living in an area with farms is a lifestyle which is slowly becoming impossible. Now many farms are government versus family run. This knowledge helps me appreciate getting stuck behind tractors while driving, the smell of spring is now forever freshly spread manure, and farms are my definition of home, hopefully that image will last.
Overall it is such a blessing to have this weather. To be able to rejoice because of it. I know spring will come when it needs to. And I know that I will soon be smelling the moist manure back at home.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Heart is at HOME.
Today was a beautiful day. Today the weather was warm and inviting. Today I didn't need a jacket or a scarf. Today I went into D.C. and it felt comfortable, like a home. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the people surrounding or the size or the lack of trees. This year I have been struggling with moving out of the area where I was born and raised, the Shenandoah Valley into a city. These two places are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. The Valley is a mountainous area, there are forests and it is overall smaller, allowing for the existence of community. It is a good old southern home town.
The city on the other hand is fast paced and every one looking out for no one but themselves. Too busy to even open a door... Until today. When a man in a suit held a door open to a restaurant for a substantial amount of time, until I walked by. Though I didn't actually go into the building that simple gesture is something that is rare. Holding a door open is rare. I have struggled so much with trying to adjust to the lack of awareness and empathy for others in the surrounding community (the city). And frankly college kids just piss me off. So many things are taken for granted and there are no acts of kindness.
But while that man held the door open today I realized that,
not everyone in this area is the same. There is patience in some. There is sincerity.
That man made me feel like we were collaborating in something instead of competing. The norm is for people to feel like they have to prove themselves and their success to each other. But that man wasn't competing with me, he was working alongside with me, he wanted me to succeed. He acted like people from home act.
If I ever interact with that man every again he will probably think that this whole situation is over analyzed and that he was simply holding a door open. But it meant so much more to me. He is my hero of the day.
The weather mixed with the human like action of the man (as opposed to the frantic robotic racing mode of others) triggered thoughts from home, thoughts of my future. Well maybe just furthered because these two things have been on my mind a lot lately.
The first-my home. My home doesn't just entail the physical location but more significantly the people (my family, the overall community) and the lifestyle pace, the goals of a society. Collaboration versus competition. "My home is not a place, it is people." Lois Bujold.
I just got two jobs. Two wonderful jobs which are pushing me to grow and learn about myself and where I see myself career wise. Two jobs which I work everyday and Saturday, which means no more weekend trips home for me. Last semester I went home when I needed to recharge and regain hope in humanity. When I missed my family. But now it is harder for me to go home. Actually I won't be able to until summer.
So of course knowing this makes me miss home even more. Miss the mountains and the noticeably cleaner air, the kindness of complete strangers. But most of all I miss my family. The people which for a while I couldn't wait to get away from for a while, but now how I miss those afternoons watching television with my sisters and knowing what the heck is going on in my brothers life. And most of all I miss having people that truly cared for me and took time to see things from my side. And even when I was blatantly wrong or just whining, they let me have my time. I miss how much they love me.
I miss hugging my mom. I miss knowing my dad can make things better. I miss enjoying the relationships we hardly had when I was younger. I miss washing dishes for my mom. I miss home. I miss my family. I love them. More than I thought I could. More than I hoped I would. I want so badly to show how great, how amazing my family is. Pictures can illustrate their joy, their innocence significantly better.
My youngest sister, Veronica. When I went home for winter break she had a list of things for us to do, one was going to the park and feeding the ducks. She got sick after because it was a little chilly out but she is a trooper.
She loves to try out makeup. Such a typical girl. She wins my heart over every time I think about her. She is one of the most empathetic people I know. I hope she never grows up. I miss her hugs and jokes.
This is the whole family right before I left to come back to Fairfax. I miss being home to be able to say good bye. I miss us being a unit.
Both of my sisters, Angelica the older and Veronica. They make such a great team. I miss watching them interact. I miss how well we were the girls.
Angelica at a festival at home. I miss having those festivals. I miss having her to practice my art work. I miss having someone who is so adventurous and ready to do new things. I miss how much she looks up to me. She is going to do big things, but right now I just want her to hug me.
Veronica, when I went home one weekend last semester. We were getting ice cream right after church. I miss my church at home. That was the last thing I thought I would miss. It turns out that particular church was a bigger part of my life than I thought. I miss Veronica's goofiness.
"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
John Ed Pearce
I can't wait to see them oh so soon, this weekend they are coming up for a night! But I want to go back to my mountains, my bed, my home, my community.
My mom told me that it hurts her heart to have me leave, but that she knows that I have to study to do great things. She has so much hope in me already and I haven't even proven myself. Her love is fully unconditional. My dad said he is proud of me. I spent most of life trying to get him to say that. He has felt it all along but now that I'm gone we both realize how much. My brother definitely needed space away from me, I just hope that he stays on track. I love him, more than I have ever told him. And my sisters are perfect in every single way.
The city on the other hand is fast paced and every one looking out for no one but themselves. Too busy to even open a door... Until today. When a man in a suit held a door open to a restaurant for a substantial amount of time, until I walked by. Though I didn't actually go into the building that simple gesture is something that is rare. Holding a door open is rare. I have struggled so much with trying to adjust to the lack of awareness and empathy for others in the surrounding community (the city). And frankly college kids just piss me off. So many things are taken for granted and there are no acts of kindness.
But while that man held the door open today I realized that,
not everyone in this area is the same. There is patience in some. There is sincerity.
That man made me feel like we were collaborating in something instead of competing. The norm is for people to feel like they have to prove themselves and their success to each other. But that man wasn't competing with me, he was working alongside with me, he wanted me to succeed. He acted like people from home act.
If I ever interact with that man every again he will probably think that this whole situation is over analyzed and that he was simply holding a door open. But it meant so much more to me. He is my hero of the day.
The weather mixed with the human like action of the man (as opposed to the frantic robotic racing mode of others) triggered thoughts from home, thoughts of my future. Well maybe just furthered because these two things have been on my mind a lot lately.
The first-my home. My home doesn't just entail the physical location but more significantly the people (my family, the overall community) and the lifestyle pace, the goals of a society. Collaboration versus competition. "My home is not a place, it is people." Lois Bujold.
I just got two jobs. Two wonderful jobs which are pushing me to grow and learn about myself and where I see myself career wise. Two jobs which I work everyday and Saturday, which means no more weekend trips home for me. Last semester I went home when I needed to recharge and regain hope in humanity. When I missed my family. But now it is harder for me to go home. Actually I won't be able to until summer.
So of course knowing this makes me miss home even more. Miss the mountains and the noticeably cleaner air, the kindness of complete strangers. But most of all I miss my family. The people which for a while I couldn't wait to get away from for a while, but now how I miss those afternoons watching television with my sisters and knowing what the heck is going on in my brothers life. And most of all I miss having people that truly cared for me and took time to see things from my side. And even when I was blatantly wrong or just whining, they let me have my time. I miss how much they love me.
I miss hugging my mom. I miss knowing my dad can make things better. I miss enjoying the relationships we hardly had when I was younger. I miss washing dishes for my mom. I miss home. I miss my family. I love them. More than I thought I could. More than I hoped I would. I want so badly to show how great, how amazing my family is. Pictures can illustrate their joy, their innocence significantly better.
She loves to try out makeup. Such a typical girl. She wins my heart over every time I think about her. She is one of the most empathetic people I know. I hope she never grows up. I miss her hugs and jokes.
This is the whole family right before I left to come back to Fairfax. I miss being home to be able to say good bye. I miss us being a unit.
Both of my sisters, Angelica the older and Veronica. They make such a great team. I miss watching them interact. I miss how well we were the girls.
Angelica at a festival at home. I miss having those festivals. I miss having her to practice my art work. I miss having someone who is so adventurous and ready to do new things. I miss how much she looks up to me. She is going to do big things, but right now I just want her to hug me.
Veronica, when I went home one weekend last semester. We were getting ice cream right after church. I miss my church at home. That was the last thing I thought I would miss. It turns out that particular church was a bigger part of my life than I thought. I miss Veronica's goofiness.
"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
John Ed Pearce
I can't wait to see them oh so soon, this weekend they are coming up for a night! But I want to go back to my mountains, my bed, my home, my community.
My mom told me that it hurts her heart to have me leave, but that she knows that I have to study to do great things. She has so much hope in me already and I haven't even proven myself. Her love is fully unconditional. My dad said he is proud of me. I spent most of life trying to get him to say that. He has felt it all along but now that I'm gone we both realize how much. My brother definitely needed space away from me, I just hope that he stays on track. I love him, more than I have ever told him. And my sisters are perfect in every single way.
Friday, January 28, 2011
When I grow up.
I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. I've got it all figured out now. These plans may take a lifetime to achieve. Ah, but what joy will be obtained from trying to reach them.
This is what I want to be when I grow up-
Proverbs 3:14-18, "for she is more profitable than silver, and her revenue is better than gold. She is more precious than jewels; nothing you desire compares with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left, riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant, and all her paths, peaceful. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her, and those who hold on to her are happy."
How wonderful would that be? To make myself more worthy than gold? To lead such a lifestyle that no price is equatable to the goodness of it. To be more precious than jewels. Imagine not being able to be placated with a gift of gems because, because you are better than something so vain.
And honor, how incredible would it be to be defined by that word? Honor. I can't even find the correct words to describe the significance of honor. And to have my life imprinted with that, unfathomable.
Her ways a pleasant, all her paths, peaceful. Imagine that composure. Imagine the, well, the peace. Isn't that just exactly what we need more of in all parts of our lives? Peace? Tree of life to those who embrace her and hold on to her are happy. Picture this. Going through your normal routine, basically the same people are present. You enter generally the same stores, food areas, classrooms but one big thing changes. The reaction people have to you. You leave happiness behind, you allow others a glimpse of eternal life. How healthy. How perfect.
What is being described in proverbs is not a person but wisdom. God is telling Solomon, well me as well, to trust in Him and to seek wisdom and understanding. And this is one of the most appealing things that I have heard in such a long time. There are no expectations for my life now, it's all up to me. I no longer am held to any standard by anyone. I am good. But that is mainly because I should be. I want to be full of wisdom so that I may be worthier than gold, so that I may not fall for the vanity of jewels, so that I may leave people happy. More than any job more than any career, this is what I want to be when I grow up.
This is what I want to be when I grow up-
Proverbs 3:14-18, "for she is more profitable than silver, and her revenue is better than gold. She is more precious than jewels; nothing you desire compares with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left, riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant, and all her paths, peaceful. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her, and those who hold on to her are happy."
How wonderful would that be? To make myself more worthy than gold? To lead such a lifestyle that no price is equatable to the goodness of it. To be more precious than jewels. Imagine not being able to be placated with a gift of gems because, because you are better than something so vain.
And honor, how incredible would it be to be defined by that word? Honor. I can't even find the correct words to describe the significance of honor. And to have my life imprinted with that, unfathomable.
Her ways a pleasant, all her paths, peaceful. Imagine that composure. Imagine the, well, the peace. Isn't that just exactly what we need more of in all parts of our lives? Peace? Tree of life to those who embrace her and hold on to her are happy. Picture this. Going through your normal routine, basically the same people are present. You enter generally the same stores, food areas, classrooms but one big thing changes. The reaction people have to you. You leave happiness behind, you allow others a glimpse of eternal life. How healthy. How perfect.
What is being described in proverbs is not a person but wisdom. God is telling Solomon, well me as well, to trust in Him and to seek wisdom and understanding. And this is one of the most appealing things that I have heard in such a long time. There are no expectations for my life now, it's all up to me. I no longer am held to any standard by anyone. I am good. But that is mainly because I should be. I want to be full of wisdom so that I may be worthier than gold, so that I may not fall for the vanity of jewels, so that I may leave people happy. More than any job more than any career, this is what I want to be when I grow up.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Charismatic Choices.
This year I am choosing to make choices instead of resolutions. Resolutions are a lust for the ideal, instead of making up a list and creating a pretend perfect life I am going to make the choices that will help me function more effectively. I will not spend time dreaming up what if or if only scenarios that I won't put effort into completing. I, however, do have the ability and capability to make simple choices that will have more of a profound effect on my life than building castles out of clouds. And as a matter of fact these choices will be more than simple choices they will be what I like to call charismatic choices.
A choice is a simple changing or altering of action with a result. Some are bad, some are good, some can't be defined with a label. I realize now that I have the ability to make these alterations in my life. And after doing little to no analyzing of the necessity of my making these choices I decided I was ready to compile a list that will make my life more refreshing. The only thing that I wanted to be present is charisma.
Charisma is not tangible but it is more seen. I have at times had a few moments when people defined my actions or my choices and, when I'm lucky, my personality as being charismatic. Those times are few and far between. So I choose to make more of these choices that will allow to make charismatic a bigger describer of my personality. These are the choices I will be making:
1. I will chose to go to bed early (around eleven).
I am tired of being tired and I am tired of starting my day late. Going to bed early has been a habit which was changed when I went to college. After going home for Christmas break after first semester and getting back into a routine of sleeping at night and being awake during the day, I realized how much better my body and mind function. How more capable I am of social interaction. I want to have a whole day to be able to productive, to enjoy the time that I have. To go out, to enjoy the sun when it's out. I want to have energy in class so that I will want to learn. So I'll just start turning the lights out earlier.
2. Make exercise a more familiar part of my life.
For the majority of my life I have been an athlete, granted just a mediocre one, but it is sometime that had become routine in my life. Volleyball is how I expressed myself, let out my emotions and celebrated all of my successes. Obviously I don't do well with words. This form of exercise helped to lead and grow in all forms of life. This form of exercise is the reason I met the Lord. So it's kind of important to me. I dropped this completely when I went to college. I dropped it because, though it's the reason I discovered how great God is, it was also one of my biggest distractions from God, oh and I'm not good enough to play for Mason so that made the choice a whole lot easier. But now that that aspect of my life is gone I find my relationship and daily time with Jesus becoming harder. I miss pushing my body past limits and having to rely on the Lord. I miss being thankful for the talent and ability and how wonderful and crazy it is that God gave me these abilities. I miss that feeling of having something accomplished. And I miss being muscular enough to beat up boys. So I will jog, which is a good prelude to my quiet time- but that's a story for another time, I will lift weights so I can beat up boys, and I will use this incredible ability to move that the Lord has granted me.
3. Talk to Jesus.
I love Jesus. I know Him. I want Him. But I don't talk to Him nearly enough. I talk about Him, I read about Him, I learn, I do things for Him (well I benefit from those so for myself) but I don't spend enough time talking to Him. I pray but my praying is done in lists. Thank you for blank, blank, blank. Help me with blank, blank, blank. I raise this person up to you. I know that He knows my heart. I mean He knows everything. But just because He knows doesn't mean I should keep that only to myself and expect Him look and see I should offer everything, EVERYTHING, to Him. Ok not necessary to cap that. Talking with my homeboy should be done everyday. I will try my hardest to do this, I may slip and skip a day. We will see.
4. Be a real college student.
So I got into this program at Mason. It's like the honors college but not the honors college. And it's like baby high school. Easier than high school. I feel like my mind is literally rotting from lack of usage and challenge. So my choice is to be a real college kid. I plan to do this by taking a class that will be a challenge for me- math or science. And to read. A lot. Read books I like, read books I hate, read books that bore me. Just read. Feed myself knowledge. And go to the library to study once this semester. Just once. Also get a library card at a library here, in Fairfax.
5. Make Mason home-ish.
First semester here was rough. Mason is a whole new scene compared to home. At home there are mountains and large open fields. Life is slower paced. And people hold doors open and say things like please and thank you. All these things are brand new concepts in my new college home. So I will hold doors open for people. I will say please. I will not ignore those around me. And most importantly I will not act superior to the employees of the school. I will seek out a new community than the one that I surrounded myself with first semester. I will show others my home and make my home come here. I mean I can't literally move the mountains here but that won't stop me from trying.
6. Leave places better than when I came.
I'm used to doing things. To make things better. To helping the community. I am a used to being a leader. But I no longer am. I don't have those organizations I once had. Over winter break I was filling out scholarship applications and they asked me what my passion was and how I was using that to change the world. One area where I am lucky in, is that I know what my passion is and in the past (like a few months ago) I was doing things to make a change and putting my all into it because it was an interest of mine. Now I've kind of put a hold on it. There is no reason for me to do that, so I will make small choices that will let me 'change' the world, because I am still naive enough to think that I can change the world.
7. Do my own thing.
I need to be independent. I shouldn't need someone by me at all times. By someone I mean friends, not boys. I use others to fill me and quiet my restless heart. I realize that I need to step away from people to quiet my heart. So I need to become less reliant on others and more on myself.
8. I hate odd numbers.
A choice is a simple changing or altering of action with a result. Some are bad, some are good, some can't be defined with a label. I realize now that I have the ability to make these alterations in my life. And after doing little to no analyzing of the necessity of my making these choices I decided I was ready to compile a list that will make my life more refreshing. The only thing that I wanted to be present is charisma.
Charisma is not tangible but it is more seen. I have at times had a few moments when people defined my actions or my choices and, when I'm lucky, my personality as being charismatic. Those times are few and far between. So I choose to make more of these choices that will allow to make charismatic a bigger describer of my personality. These are the choices I will be making:
1. I will chose to go to bed early (around eleven).
I am tired of being tired and I am tired of starting my day late. Going to bed early has been a habit which was changed when I went to college. After going home for Christmas break after first semester and getting back into a routine of sleeping at night and being awake during the day, I realized how much better my body and mind function. How more capable I am of social interaction. I want to have a whole day to be able to productive, to enjoy the time that I have. To go out, to enjoy the sun when it's out. I want to have energy in class so that I will want to learn. So I'll just start turning the lights out earlier.
2. Make exercise a more familiar part of my life.
For the majority of my life I have been an athlete, granted just a mediocre one, but it is sometime that had become routine in my life. Volleyball is how I expressed myself, let out my emotions and celebrated all of my successes. Obviously I don't do well with words. This form of exercise helped to lead and grow in all forms of life. This form of exercise is the reason I met the Lord. So it's kind of important to me. I dropped this completely when I went to college. I dropped it because, though it's the reason I discovered how great God is, it was also one of my biggest distractions from God, oh and I'm not good enough to play for Mason so that made the choice a whole lot easier. But now that that aspect of my life is gone I find my relationship and daily time with Jesus becoming harder. I miss pushing my body past limits and having to rely on the Lord. I miss being thankful for the talent and ability and how wonderful and crazy it is that God gave me these abilities. I miss that feeling of having something accomplished. And I miss being muscular enough to beat up boys. So I will jog, which is a good prelude to my quiet time- but that's a story for another time, I will lift weights so I can beat up boys, and I will use this incredible ability to move that the Lord has granted me.
3. Talk to Jesus.
I love Jesus. I know Him. I want Him. But I don't talk to Him nearly enough. I talk about Him, I read about Him, I learn, I do things for Him (well I benefit from those so for myself) but I don't spend enough time talking to Him. I pray but my praying is done in lists. Thank you for blank, blank, blank. Help me with blank, blank, blank. I raise this person up to you. I know that He knows my heart. I mean He knows everything. But just because He knows doesn't mean I should keep that only to myself and expect Him look and see I should offer everything, EVERYTHING, to Him. Ok not necessary to cap that. Talking with my homeboy should be done everyday. I will try my hardest to do this, I may slip and skip a day. We will see.
4. Be a real college student.
So I got into this program at Mason. It's like the honors college but not the honors college. And it's like baby high school. Easier than high school. I feel like my mind is literally rotting from lack of usage and challenge. So my choice is to be a real college kid. I plan to do this by taking a class that will be a challenge for me- math or science. And to read. A lot. Read books I like, read books I hate, read books that bore me. Just read. Feed myself knowledge. And go to the library to study once this semester. Just once. Also get a library card at a library here, in Fairfax.
5. Make Mason home-ish.
First semester here was rough. Mason is a whole new scene compared to home. At home there are mountains and large open fields. Life is slower paced. And people hold doors open and say things like please and thank you. All these things are brand new concepts in my new college home. So I will hold doors open for people. I will say please. I will not ignore those around me. And most importantly I will not act superior to the employees of the school. I will seek out a new community than the one that I surrounded myself with first semester. I will show others my home and make my home come here. I mean I can't literally move the mountains here but that won't stop me from trying.
6. Leave places better than when I came.
I'm used to doing things. To make things better. To helping the community. I am a used to being a leader. But I no longer am. I don't have those organizations I once had. Over winter break I was filling out scholarship applications and they asked me what my passion was and how I was using that to change the world. One area where I am lucky in, is that I know what my passion is and in the past (like a few months ago) I was doing things to make a change and putting my all into it because it was an interest of mine. Now I've kind of put a hold on it. There is no reason for me to do that, so I will make small choices that will let me 'change' the world, because I am still naive enough to think that I can change the world.
7. Do my own thing.
I need to be independent. I shouldn't need someone by me at all times. By someone I mean friends, not boys. I use others to fill me and quiet my restless heart. I realize that I need to step away from people to quiet my heart. So I need to become less reliant on others and more on myself.
8. I hate odd numbers.
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