I am a Stupid, Silly Girl.

I despise girly girls. I despise girly feelings. Sometimes I just hate being a girl. Being an emotional wreck. And I hate, hate, hate, hate, abhor, detest the thoughts and questions that girls have. Sometimes I just wish that I was born in the Mayoruna Peruvian tribe in the Amazon. Or just a member of a not developed nation so that I could have concerns about real issues. Like where I should hunt for game to feed myself. Or experience the pain of hunger instead of guilt of gluttony. But growing up in a cushiony developed nation with the emphasis of technology and money, I have also grown up with the industry that makes money, human emotion of infatuation (some call if love, I call it dopamine). And sometimes I even get caught up in this silly, trivial, infuriating, unrealistic fairytale. Because I am a stupid silly girl. Who should trip and fall into a hole and slowly bleed to death.

Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that I am pretty. That I am smart. That I am great. That I am better than everything. Sometimes I just want to be that damsel in distress and play the princess. With princes and peasants swooning, yearning for my great mind and character.

But I don't have a great mind.
And lately my character may have been faltering.
And others are starting to notice.

So I can't help but think that I don't deserve that princess lifestyle which all girls have grown up on. Because I'm not qualified.
Because my heart isn't ready.

But then if I'm not ready, not for the princess thing because that whole thing is poop and unrealistic, but just ready.  If my heart isn't ready now, will it ever be? Will I ever be ready to accept those peasants and princes? Or will I always be in a halfway awkward weird point? Where I know there is a shit ton of things that I need to work on before I could ever welcome someone else into my heart. Will I ever feel close enough to myself and to my God to be able to be dependent but independent at the same time? Will there come a point when I don't freak out when someone says, hey I think we are a good match, or Hey I like you?

Will I ever stop going into that panic mode where my brain is screaming, tell him to stop, he doesn't know what you've done with who, or this is not right, you will get too caught up again and screw up. You've worked to hard to jeopardize it all with a relationship. You guys aren't going in the same direction. It would never work in the future so why bother now? He can't really like you. If he really got to know you then the attraction would fade, it's temporary so don't bother getting hurt.

I don't think I will ever be a grown up. I don't think my emotions have much room for growth. And I've taught myself to be stubborn. I've taught myself so well that I don't know how to undo it. And my way of 'flirting' is by sarcasm, which is no different than how I treat other people, but I add an extra cutting edge to it. Cutting as in let me slice your feelings to a slow bloody drip with my words. Oh wait did you get turned off by that? Well I wonder why.

I don't think that I will ever think that anyone is good enough. I have the fatal flaw of having a shopping list. A checklist of things that I want, things that I don't. Someone who reads, who understands news, is music and movie savvy, is athletic, is smart, has goals, has passions (not sex, not love, real passions - interests), has a huge vocabulary (because I obviously do, using adjectives like huge), is patient, is firm, can fix cars without a mechanic, if asked to can build a house, is a manly man, can work technology, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink heavily, is close to my age, let's me be right - all the time, but not really, can speak another language, is romantic but not sappy, wants to change things, wants to make the world better, is so funny, but really that's important, but is serious, so someone light hearted, a touch of sarcasm, appreciates my sarcasm, will understand my disdain for the idea of parenthood but also wants kids, and loves Christ, which is actually the hardest of all it seems. Really is all of that so much to ask for?

So basically I want someone who will adjust to my moods and place me on a pedestal and can do all the things I can't. So I don't want an equal. But I do. But I don't know that I could ever really get rid of this list. I don't know that I could ever be grown up enough to realize how unrealistic it is to a apply this to an individual.

And oh wait, there's that one little thing of no one will ever want me because there will always be someone better. Someone fitter. Someone smarter. Someone more accomplished. Kinder. Funnier. Less bitterly sarcastic. More graceful. More open to compromise. There is a very likely possibility that I will never ever find someone. I mean even just casual dating is a no go because there is always someone better than.

And I keep telling myself that this should not be that big of an issue. There are real problems in the world. But at this moment this is consuming my thoughts. I can see myself being single for the rest of my life. I mean casual sex is not something that I would ever chose. So no love for me. But I don't think that I would be upset because I won't be in a relationship, I would just want someone to come home to and watch a movie with and hug and hold and kiss. So if I could have that without the relationship that would be ideal. So if that didn't go against every moral standard I have then, then all would be good.

I just want so much. I have a career that I know that I want. That I am so passionate about. There are people that need me, need my help, need the opportunities that I have been give. But what if I am not good enough, or smart enough for even them? I am not willing to sacrifice this dream, this calling, I am not even willing to compromise for anyone else. No one else. And I know that I don't need someone to make me happy. Because I already have all the happiness that I would ever need, knowing that I am going to heaven. And I just wish I knew if God has someone in mind for me. If only I knew then I could be patient and stop wasting my time with these stupid girly girl thoughts. I kind of disgust myself for letting this be something that is of concern.

The end. I mean I know the Lord is the author of my story. It's just that I wish I could read ahead a little, you know to have time to cope with what the big events will be. But that just ruins all the fun, doesn't it? Fun.

But I will always have the reassurance that these feelings are all a result of chemical in my mind going out of wack.

And knowing that helps to to remember. I am great. I have goals. Girls are stupid. Boys are stupid.

Moved by Grace

Last night my life was full of worship, prayer, praise, fellowship, the Holy Spirit. I was moved, I was in AWE of God's grace, I was humbled. I was fully satisfied, fully understanding. I was so small. He was so big, so LOVING.

And I wish you could have been there, I wish you could understand what happened last night. How the wonder and the glory were on fire, brought me literally to my knees, my Father, my Lord, how he loves me. And how He beckoned to me, made me realize how sweetly broken I am.

This is literally how it went: I have had some of the most wearing times lately. Not enough sleep, constant work, constant deadlines. But yesterday was Ash Wednesday. The first day that Jesus spent in prayer, in fasting, in resistance of temptation because of His undying love for us, for our Father.

And I was going to go to an Ash Wednesday service, to show my thankfulness, to show my gratitude. But I got off work late and I had overslept and looked rough. So instead I went to my room and napped. And I went to a worship service called the Gathering at nine last night. And the message was Powerful, Convicting, Convincing, Truth. And that alone was enough for me to realize the GRACE of God. We looked at Galatians chapters 1-3. How Paul was reprimanding first Peter, then the Galatians. And then the speaker told us that this is a letter to us. To us. To us. To me. To me.

The speaker had asked us to write down what we thought the perfect Christian looked like. He read them to us. Someone who is in the word daily, someone who lives like Christ, does not judge, proclaims the love of Christ, meditates on the word day and night, loves his neighbor.

This, the speaker said, is exactly what the Galatians were doing. This is what we are doing. This is what our great mistake is. We think that we have to fulfill certain criteria in order to be in God's favor. We set rules for ourselves. Have daily quiet time, to participate in service. We get caught up in the significance of these things. I have. I've been tired lately. I would wake up early to try to have quiet time, and end up falling asleep in the middle of it. Then it got to the point where I couldn't even wake up early anymore.

I felt like I was failing, flailing. But I am not guaranteed a spot in heaven because I do or do not have quiet time, it is solely because of God's Grace. Last night I was reminded to constantly be in awe of in the thing that saved my life.

That in itself is powerful enough. But God was so bountiful last night. He taught me so much. We wrapped up with this song,

The lyrics are so powerful. "Oh I am running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your life will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign."

And I was brought to tears. And I was sweetly broken, wholly surrendered. And the Holy Spirit was alive and the passion was there. Perfection.

And if the night would have ended there I would have been filled. But after a few Younglife people said,  let's continue worship. So we went. Into a building, Into a lounge. Two guitars. Fifteen people. From different avenues, from different ministries and three Fathers, three men studying for the priesthood showed up on their last night.

And we sang.
And we prayed.
And we praised.
And we spilled out our hearts,
Held our arms open wide for our Lord.
We were overwhelmed.
We fell in love with Christ all over again.

It was the most emotional, most faith reassuring experience. It was so right, so spontaneous, so real, so in love. So in love. With God. With Christ. With Grace. For two straight hours we worshiped, we were in continuous prayer and our praise was said out loud, said within fellowship. We, some strangers, were brought together for our ardent, burning, consuming love of our Savior. And today all I can think about is the one who paid my debt. The one who has given it all, given His life, and loves me. These are a few of the songs we sang, I can't remember most of them:

How he loves us

Mighty to save

Sweetly broken

Mighty to save

You’re Beautiful

From the inside out

And this is literally what it was like to be in that room with brothers and sisters in Christ,

Decisions, Decisions.

The application is pulled up on my laptop. I have two out of the four pages completed and I have started on the third. I started to fill it out to see how I felt while completing it. I don't feel wrong, but I don't feel right, you know that feeling of right, when something is so, so, well, right, to the point that second guessing doesn't exist.

But as I am completing this I can't help but wonder,

Is this something that I want or is it something the Lord is calling me to do?
Is it too soon?

I have cleaned my room, washed and put away the dishes, made my bed, washed and folded laundry and the choice still hasn't been completed. I have other parts of my life together and Nickel Creek is playing in the background, making an attempt to ease the headache I can feel coming. And I realize,

I am bad at making choices.

I always have been. I ride the fence too much, I let things sit for too long. I put it off wishing and hoping that the answer will come eventually and clearly. For example, when choosing a college and now deciding how to spend a portion of my summer. It is just a portion.

But am I being CALLED to do this? Does the Lord NEED me to serve in this area? Is there somewhere else, something else that would better glorify Him? I guess I will pray and wait. Wait and pray.

Perhaps I should not "..be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving bring your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. Maybe I should listen to Paul.

Because it's too funny not to share.

"There's too much laughter and it's too loud."

There's too much laughter and it's too loud is something that my advanced comp teacher said to one of her classes a long time ago and it has stuck with me.

Because it is so true. So applicable.

Too much laughter is overwhelming, draining. You would think it would be the opposite, but it's not. When there is too much energy in the room you can lose energy, feel emotionally drained.

It's like that saying, "too much of a good thing will make you die faster and be ugly." Okay maybe that's not the exact quotation but let's just go along those same lines. Too much of something, anything, even something good can be overwhelming. Spend too much time with someone who you really like and you will begin to find fault and nit pick. Spend too much time playing something that you love and you will become bored. Spend too much time in community and you start to feel frazzled. There has to be a good balance. Time for you, time for others; time for fun, time for work; time for friends, time for family.

But what happens when everything is thrown at you at one time.

And you can't BREATHE.
Or relax.
Or think.
Or live.
Or function properly in any arena.

And it's like you are sitting outside of your body and you are watching your little self go through a checklist of things that absolutely without a doubt have to be done today. And you try to help yourself out and move things around to make time for the simple act of breathing. But it is impossible.

That's when there is too much laughter. When it's too loud. So loud that you can barely hear your whispered thoughts. And it's too much of strain to attempt to listen closely.

I am tired. There is too much laughter in my life right now. I just need some silence. Giggles would suffice. I need to be able to have enough time in the day where I can just think.

Think about myself.
What I want to do with my life.
What I have done.
What I should do better.
What my contribution to the world is.
How comfortable my bed is.

Instead of having to think of which task is next to complete.
What time my next assignment is due.
How I will ever manage to find the time to eat lunch.
How I can make it on time to class without leaving work early.

So I guess it all starts by realizing that though there is too much laughter in my life at this moment - at least there is laughter. Instead of screaming, complaining, whimpering. At least it's laughter. And always my good friend John Mayer continues to remind me that the heart of life is indeed good.