There are times when situation after situation make you question whether you have any idea what you are doing. When you take a brief step back (long enough to find that there is an issue with your contribution to the world but not long enough to be able to identify the issue) and you are completely stumped by your absolute and utter incompetence at, well at everything.
Like when you have been working somewhere for three weeks and someone asks you where the bathroom is, and you open your mouth to answer and then there is that awkward pause where the person is probably peeing their pants because you still haven't answered the question because you just realized that, "What the heck? How do I not know where the bathrooms are? Isn't that the most basic information? I mean people that don't work here know that."
Or when someone asks you about something and you say, "Yeah I totally know what you are saying. You just go over to the computer, type in the title, get the call number and go search for the book." And then they look at you like you just told them that their child is the worst soccer player on the team. And then they hand you a slip of paper and say, "Actually you are supposed to go in the back and get the book for me." Oh. Right. Even you knew that.
Or when the lab instructor comes by to check on your work and he says, "are you sure about that answer?" And you say, "well since you said something, no, no I'm not sure anymore." And then he says, "Well it's obviously not slate because slate doesn't have minerals and these minerals are huge." Well. I guess I should change my answer now.
Or when you sit down next to someone at a leadership program and they are like, "Hi my name is Nick and I own a small business while going to school and getting a double major. I created two new student organizations, I volunteer in the community and I led and initiative that was wildly successful to send over 2,000 pounds of food to Haiti within one month." And then you say, "Hi I'm Anna I can't explain my major to you because I'm kind of meshing some things together and crossing my fingers so it will work out, I, uh, well I go to school here. And sometimes I leave my room to get food and stuff so we are basically on the same level."
And at the end of the day you look at your life, look at your choices and you see a fairly productive day. But then if you squint one eye and cup your hands like a telescope you see nothing. Nothing. That is the your effect on the world. I mean you yourself are benefiting a lot. You are getting paid for being barely competent at your job, your mistakes are corrected by other so you are never really allowed to fail, and people say, "Well you're young, maybe one day you will make some sort of contribution to society."
And all of these small things start to pile up and it makes you sad. Not the kind of sad when you are angry sad or crying sad but the kind of sad when your heart gives a tiny little sigh. Like when you climb a really tall building and look down and the people look like dots and it's really cool for a while because it's like you are a king or superhero and then you realize that you could easily be an unidentifiable, insignificant dot. It's not like you are so shaken up that you are going to jump off the building but for a little bit it feels just a tad unfair.
And then you climb back down and you go about your life and the same thing happens again but this time with small things in your life. And you realize that you are that dot again. But this time you look around and you see real people doing real things, making real contributions. And you kind of suck for not being a real person. For having so much and not doing anything to give back. And then you walk the streets of D.C. and it's cold but you have a warm room to go to, while others have a cold sidewalk. And you see how much of a dot you are. Because there is so much you could do. But you have been taught stranger danger and you have been told well what can you really do.
Well why not ask. I mean why has this never been a solution to me before? Why not go up and ask, what can I do for you? Spare a few dollars? Do it. Why have I been taught to be so stingy? Why is there no more empathy. Is that no longer a desirable trait? I mean this is literally type vomit. Something that crossed my mind and quickly zapped onto the keyboard. But I like it. I like it a lot.
Not that this will help me not be a dot. Or tell people where the bathroom is located. But the first step is to be aware of my insignificance. The next is to decide how I will not longer be insignificant. I have plans for the future, but let's be real, will I even make it that far? And aren't my plans a little ambitious and idealistic? Yes, yes they are. I haven't even given the world a real chance to knock me down and steal my livelihood yet. So what am I, Anna Martinez, going to do to stop being a dot? Good question, real good. I mean there are people fighting, literally giving up everything for the abstract concept of freedom. People all around me are changing lives of millions, people younger than me. Let's get real I'm aging faster than I should be. I should jump on my life and get my act together. People have let me coast by way too easily.
I want to change the world.
Impossible.
Why would I set my sights any lower?
I want to work with immigrants.
Children.
The education system.
Worker's rights.
Families that are not so cohesive (by that I mean falling apart).
The elderly. Give them the respect they deserve.
Adults who can't read.
Children in other nations who are forced to be grown ups.
Children here who are spoiled.
I want to hide in the mountains and live a life away from people.
I want to yell at everyone who gets drunk and high on weekends and punch them in the face.
I want to show people how much they are hurting, themselves, others, me, their future families and wives/husbands.
I want to stop unemployment.
I want schools to have better ESL programs.
Anti bullying programs.
Better disability programs.
I want ignorance to be gone.
I want gender equality.
I want enough sleep.
And I want to be happy with someone who loves me and believes in me.
Someone who is not my family.
Someone who God wants me to have.
I want people to feel the love God has shown me.
To stop suicide.
To stop self disappointment, self hatred.
I want to know what I want and how to get it.
I want to be a real person.
I'm tired of being a dot, even though I'm really good at it, too good.
I want someone who appreciates education. And college for learning. FOR LEARNING.
I might be all over the place. So let me get an action plan together. Lord, lead me to where you want me. To what you want me to do. Keep my views in perspective. Remind me in my supposed times of need of those with real problems. Lord help me make your world better. Help me to change the world. Help me to do this without falling into corruption. Lord teach me appreciation, teach me gratitude.
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