Church I Need You

Today I spent a large part of my day on twitter finding comfort from words of people that I will never meet because I didn't feel like I could find them in my own community.

Today I sat across from a pastor and just desired for him to unabashedly tell me that I am valued, significant, and not pushed aside.

Today during church community group I shared that this election is hard. That I feel like the whole nation has given up and washed their hands of entire people groups. Today I asked to be listened to.

Church, I need you. I need you to ask how I am feeling and doing instead of me fighting to be heard.

Church, I need you. I need you to see the darkness and the pain. And I need you to step into it.

Church, I need you to stop being politically correct. Your brothers and sisters are in pain, they are hurting and afraid. I need you to get in the trenches and fight this with them, with me.

Church, I need you to care. To say that you care. To stop being silent. Tell me you care about me, about my family, about the hundreds of students I work with.

Church, today I needed you to fight for me. Because I felt so alone, exhausted, and abandoned. Today I needed arms around me.

Church, stop using the fact that God is in control as an excuse to ignore a dialogue that we need to have about racial reconciliation.

Church, stop telling me to put my trust in God. I have. I do. This is still hard. And this is not God. Hatred. Hateful statements. This is not God. Church I need you to start living out God.

Church I need you. Please. I need you to love. Me. My family. My friends. Our community. Our country. Our people. Church I need you to take Jesus commands to love one another seriously.

Who Are You With?

Who are you with? I heard a woman ask Eleanor, my roommate's sister. I was visiting my roommate and her family in North Carolina. I heard Eleanor say - these are my sisters, but not mention anything about me. But I knew what the woman was asking. She was asking - who is the brown girl in the pool playing with your kids? She wasn't being malicious or rude. She was just pointing out that I don't belong. Because I'm different. Because I'm brown. So I stayed in the pool, but the exchange lingered. And I felt uneasy. This isn't my family, this isn't my town, this isn't my group. So I got out of the pool and sat at a table by myself. I am 24 years old and I still feel incredibly small and out of place when someone questions my belonging because of traits I do or don't have. This was such an unintentional, innocent question - 'who are you with?' Not directed at me, not an attack, not meant to blatantly single out. This should not have such a rattling effect on me. This should not make me acutely aware of my 'browness.'I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my skin - thinking that this is all everyone could see or talk about.

Because I tan so quickly

You tell me it's not fair that I tan so quickly.

But do you know the price I have to pay, because I look this way?

You say you want my skin - but would you want it for more than a day.
Is it worth it when the security guard follows you around.
Because of the color of my skin, I'm bound.

You say that I'm lucky that my skin is still dark in the winter.

But have I ever told you that it makes me bitter.
Because I've been told that my whole life white skin is better.
You tell me that the exotic look is in.
But my skin is not a trend.
Do you know how long it takes to mend,
 years of self doubt, years of being left out.

You tell me that I'm so lucky to be bilingual.
But do you know the price I've had to pay.
Learning the language so I could earn my stay
 In this country.
Not knowing my home.
Feeling alone.
Because I am here.
But my roots are elsewhere.
Do you know how much I long,
 to not feel wrong
 to not be wronged

Because I tan so quickly.

Have you ever felt judgement come down so swiftly.

Because you tan so quickly.

Have you ever felt fear knowing you're not wanted here.

Because you tan so quickly.

Has fairness ever seemed like just a fairytale, meant for the fairest (skinned) of them all.
Have you ever had to be two in one.
Playing the game, acting like it's fun.
Pretending to be white, knowing it's a show.
But if you slow,
 then you are left behind.
Because the world is not kind,
 when you tan so quickly.

Have you ever yearned
 when you learned
 that heaven is made of people
 not like the ones you see in the steeple.
Every tongue, tribe, and nation.
Here is where my hope lies, in this station.

Have you ever felt you were made incorrectly. Defectively.
Have you ever been washed by relief,
 felt like you can finally breathe,
 when you heard - the color of your skin is very good.
That's how it was created to be.
How do we fail to see.

You tell me it's not fair that I tan so quickly.
I agree. But it's who I'm made to be. And in that fact, I will be free.