When I grow up.

I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. I've got it all figured out now. These plans may take a lifetime to achieve. Ah, but what joy will be obtained from trying to reach them.

This is what I want to be when I grow up-

 Proverbs 3:14-18, "for she is more profitable than silver, and her revenue is better than gold. She is more precious than jewels; nothing you desire compares with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left, riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant, and all her paths, peaceful. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her, and those who hold on to her are happy."

How wonderful would that be? To make myself more worthy than gold? To lead such a lifestyle that no price is equatable to the goodness of it. To be more precious than jewels. Imagine not being able to be placated with a gift of gems because, because you are better than something so vain.

And honor, how incredible would it be to be defined by that word? Honor. I can't even find the correct words to describe the significance of honor. And to have my life imprinted with that, unfathomable.

 Her ways a pleasant, all her paths, peaceful. Imagine that composure. Imagine the, well, the peace. Isn't that just exactly what we need more of in all parts of our lives? Peace? Tree of life to those who embrace her and hold on to her are happy. Picture this. Going through your normal routine, basically the same people are present. You enter generally the same stores, food areas, classrooms but one big thing changes. The reaction people have to you. You leave happiness behind, you allow others a glimpse of eternal life. How healthy. How perfect.

What is being described in proverbs is not a person but wisdom. God is telling Solomon, well me as well, to trust in Him and to seek wisdom and understanding. And this is one of the most appealing things that I have heard in such a long time. There are no expectations for my life now, it's all up to me. I no longer am held to any standard by anyone. I am good. But that is mainly because I should be. I want to be full of wisdom so that I may be worthier than gold, so that I may not fall for the vanity of jewels, so that I may leave people happy. More than any job more than any career, this is what I want to be when I grow up.

Charismatic Choices.

This year I am choosing to make choices instead of resolutions. Resolutions are a lust for the ideal, instead of making up a list and creating a pretend perfect life I am going to make the choices that will help me function more effectively. I will not spend time dreaming up what if or if only scenarios that I won't put effort into completing. I, however, do have the ability and capability to make simple choices that will have more of a profound effect on my life than building castles out of clouds. And as a matter of fact these choices will be more than simple choices they will be what I like to call charismatic choices.

A choice is a simple changing or altering of action with a result. Some are bad, some are good, some can't be defined with a label. I realize now that I have the ability to make these alterations in my life. And after doing little to no analyzing of the necessity of my making these choices I decided I was ready to compile a list that will make my life more refreshing. The only thing that I wanted to be present is charisma.

Charisma is not tangible but it is more seen. I have at times had a few moments when people defined my actions or my choices and, when I'm lucky, my personality as being charismatic. Those times are few and far between. So I choose to make more of these choices that will allow to make charismatic a bigger describer of my personality. These are the choices I will be making:

1. I will chose to go to bed early (around eleven).
I am tired of being tired and I am tired of starting my day late. Going to bed early has been a habit which was changed when I went to college. After going home for Christmas break after first semester and getting back into a routine of sleeping at night and being awake during the day, I realized how much better my body and mind function. How more capable I am of social interaction. I want to have a whole day to be able to productive, to enjoy the time that I have. To go out, to enjoy the sun when it's out. I want to have energy in class so that I will want to learn.  So I'll just start turning the lights out earlier.

2. Make exercise a more familiar part of my life.
For the majority of my life I have been an athlete, granted just a mediocre one, but it is sometime that had become routine in my life. Volleyball is how I expressed myself, let out my emotions and celebrated all of my successes. Obviously I don't do well with words. This form of exercise helped to lead and grow in all forms of life. This form of exercise is the reason I met the Lord. So it's kind of important to me. I dropped this completely when I went to college. I dropped it because, though it's the reason I discovered how great God is, it was also one of my biggest distractions from God, oh and I'm not good enough to play for Mason so that made the choice a whole lot easier. But now that that aspect of my life is gone I find my relationship and daily time with Jesus becoming harder. I miss pushing my body past limits and having to rely on the Lord. I miss being thankful for the talent and ability and how wonderful and crazy it is that God gave me these abilities. I miss that feeling of having something accomplished. And I miss being muscular enough to beat up boys. So I will jog, which is a good prelude to my quiet time- but that's a story for another time, I will lift weights so I can beat up boys, and I will use this incredible ability to move that the Lord has granted me.

3. Talk to Jesus.
I love Jesus. I know Him. I want Him. But I don't talk to Him nearly enough. I talk about Him, I read about Him, I learn, I do things for Him (well I benefit from those so for myself) but I don't spend enough time talking to Him. I pray but my praying is done in lists. Thank you for blank, blank, blank. Help me with blank, blank, blank. I raise this person up to you. I know that He knows my heart. I mean He knows everything. But just because He knows doesn't mean I should keep that only to myself and expect Him look and see I should offer everything, EVERYTHING, to Him. Ok not necessary to cap that. Talking with my homeboy should be done everyday. I will try my hardest to do this, I may slip and skip a day. We will see.

4. Be a real college student.
So I got into this program at Mason. It's like the honors college but not the honors college. And it's like baby high school. Easier than high school. I feel like my mind is literally rotting from lack of usage and challenge. So my choice is to be a real college kid. I plan to do this by taking a class that will be a challenge for me- math or science. And to read. A lot. Read books I like, read books I hate, read books that bore me. Just read. Feed myself knowledge. And go to the library to study once this semester. Just once. Also get a library card at a library here, in Fairfax.

5. Make Mason home-ish.
First semester here was rough. Mason is a whole new scene compared to home. At home there are mountains and large open fields. Life is slower paced. And people hold doors open and say things like please and thank you. All these things are brand new concepts in my new college home. So I will hold doors open for people. I will say please. I will not ignore those around me. And most importantly I will not act superior to the employees of the school. I will seek out a new community than the one that I surrounded myself with first semester. I will show others my home and make my home come here. I mean I can't literally move the mountains here but that won't stop me from trying.

6. Leave places better than when I came.
I'm used to doing things. To make things better. To helping the community. I am a used to being a leader. But I no longer am. I don't have those organizations I once had. Over winter break I was filling out scholarship applications and they asked me what my passion was and how I was using that to change the world. One area where I am lucky in, is that I know what my passion is and in the past (like a few months ago) I was doing things to make a change and putting my all into it because it was an interest of mine. Now I've kind of put a hold on it. There is no reason for me to do that, so I will make small choices that will let me 'change' the world, because I am still naive enough to think that I can change the world.

7. Do my own thing.
I need to be independent. I shouldn't need someone by me at all times. By someone I mean friends, not boys. I use others to fill me and quiet my restless heart. I realize that I need to step away from people to quiet my heart. So I need to become less reliant on others and more on myself.

8. I hate odd numbers.

This I Believe

Just a little something that was published. No big deal. So this was composed of a lot of ranting. It was during a time when I was really feeling pressure. Looking back, I realize that I am good enough but there is no need to defend it as ferociously.

I believe that I am good enough. Regardless of the world's criteria or expectations of excellence, I know I am good enough. I am smart enough. I am pretty enough. I am happy enough. I am funny enough. I am strong, I am weak, I am silly and mature, reliable and hardworking. I am without any resounding doubt good enough. I am good enough for you, I am good enough for me, I am good enough for my family, for my teachers, my friends and for the world. No I am not perfect, no I am not a hundred percent on top of it, but I can honestly say if I were different it would be frightening.
So I don't know the right answer, so I don't remember the dates or locations. No I don't remember the obviously significant color of the buttons on the shirt that was under the jacket. I don't remember why one president ran or when he ran or even if he ran. These are the fundamentals. How can I ever advance in life without knowing all the details? Well I will tell you, I will never know all of these small details. Even if I don't recall what moss hangs in the trees in Louisiana, I am smart. Though you try to measure my intelligence with a GPA, SAT score, class ranking, AP score, or letter grade; that doesn't mean anything. I am smart because I am willing to learn. Because I want to learn.

So many times there is a stress on appearance and never more than when you are representing a multitude or an organization. So you are running for a state office, so you are running for a national office, so you have a presentation. Whatever the situation, your appearance will be attacked. You will be drowned in hairspray, you will be instructed, not asked, to put on a pound more of blush. You will be told to lose weight, to suck in, to hide. You will be told to change your very self and become someone new, someone fake. You must not have any feelings because you will cry. You need to cover up those blemishes, you will not be remembered, you are not good enough, you are not pretty enough. Well I am. You will see this. I will make you understand.
I believe that my faith is strong enough, that I am right in this thinking. I believe in God. I believe that He created us. I believe it's ok to wear a necklace with a cross; it's ok to talk about Him. It's ok to have a sense of awe, to be amazed, to be astounded. though you may stand before me and call me ignorant, tell me that my beliefs aren't tangible, that I am dumb and stupid for believing; still I will have faith.

Everyday people will stand before you and point out your faults. You will be told of your errors, your downfalls, and your shortcomings. Your intelligence will be mocked. Your appearance will never be up to par. You will be called dumb and hypocritical for believing in God. But this is what I believe; I believe that I am good enough. With my downfalls and mistakes, with my quirks and comments, I am good enough. Do I fill your expectations? Whatever your answer, I am good enough. I am good enough for myself and for you. Everyone is good enough.

My Fear of....Words

I am afraid that my words aren’t good enough. Even as I am typing, the words look ugly on the page and I can’t get a feel for the flow. I am in an atmosphere where in order to succeed you must write to please a specific audience. My writing has been taken and changed into something different. Writing to please colleges, writing to please testers, writing to please specific teachers. I no longer write to please myself. My ability to satisfy my need to use words to pacify has been sucked dry, left shapeless. And what’s even worse I no longer have the ability to please my teachers. 

Last year I took a class, Advanced Composition.  Priscilla Halterman did nothing but encourage my writing and praise every different style. It was during this time that I used writing to heal wounds that I didn’t realize were still hurting. Writing allowed me to put my emotions onto paper, making them real instead of some unnameable sensation with unexplainable reactions. I want to be able to write like that again But I am scared that my words won’t please me, that they won’t placate me, that I won’t even know how to anymore. 

Writing is like many of the relationships in my life, including the most important one. Work has to be done everyday in order for them to move forward. Instead I am constantly regressing. Then comes a time when I angrily battle to regain what I had lost. But it gets harder every time. This is my fight. To retain the dignity of my writing and Jesus in my life, continually growing. When I write my relationship with Christ grows. It’s like what my younlife leader, Wynner once told me, she sees God more vividly in nature so she has to make time to put herself in those situations in order to grow in her relationship. Well I see God through words. He reveals himself to me through my thoughts on paper. 

One Blood

He focused intently on placing one foot in front of the other.  With each step his brain screamed with pain. He simply brushed that aside. He dared to crane his neck up, to glance at his final destination.He would stop when he reached the top, he would put his load down. Then he would be raised in between two others. And from the bottom a crowd would gather to watch this man bleed the blood that was coursing through their veins. With each drop that fell to the ground, with each precious drip the crowd witnesses the most revolting and beautiful thing.For we are cleansed by His death. We are cleansed by his blood. We are joined as one, we are joined as His children, because of His blood shed. 

Velvet Elvis

 “If there is a divine being who made everything, including us, what would our experiences with this being look like? The moment God is figured out with neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God. We are dealing with somebody we made up. And if we made him up then we are in control. And so in passage after passage we find God reminding people that He is bigger and beyond and more.” Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell

Crazy Love

“We are plants. Poison swallowing, life-giving plants that came from tiny seeds that were placed in the dirt. Some were watered, some weren’t; but after a few days they poked through the soil and out into the warm sunlight.”  Francis Chan, Crazy Love

There He stands. Always. Arms wide open. We constantly run away. We check to make sure we are presentable. But He wants us as we are. Convicted. Questioning. And weary. Fall into Your arms. 

Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

Father, I am weary. I am burdened. I need rest. I need You. 

Conviction

We live. We die. Guaranteed. We suffer. Promised. We stray. Inevitable. We sin, we err, we are black and botched. We fail to love, we fall short. Always. We stray because we suffer. We suffer because we live in an imperfect world. We are constantly in pain. Each person has a period of pain. “I know I will live my beautiful wife a widow.” “I am slowly dying and I’m scared of what is to come.” Many of our experiences are not pleasant. We are full of regret, sacrificing ourselves for some temporary pleasure. Some of us are going through difficult family situations, and life is just hard and unfair. So unfair. We ache and hurt and there are no words, no actions to soothe. We are convicted because of suffering. We question our strength our motives. And we are weary. Our minds never stop running and we cannot make a coherent thought from all the strands floating in our heads. But sometimes just putting them down alleviates some of the load. 

I need rest. There is suffering, death, sacrifice. And would I be willing to sacrifice all for my Lord? Uneasy. Restless. Unsatisfied. Need more. Want to be part of something bigger. Wrestling with complexity. How can YOU have anything figured out without Christ? How can you be so sure your life plan is correct? What greater thing are you working for? How are you so full of empathy, yet live life without the Lord? Why are there walls constantly around my heart? Why am I so reliant on the company of others to fulfill me? Do I have true love for anyone? For you God? Am I willing to be tested by You? Is it because I am truly selfish? Why do I judge? Why do I not yearn to love? Do I trust You? Do I love You? Do I sing with a full and heavy heart? I come to you only for inspiration. I need to seek you for direction and truth. I am uncomfortable being stripped of my identity. I am uncomfortable not being branded a leader, an athlete, a ‘poised young lady.’ I rely too much on these identities. I seek full attention. I yearn for recognition. How many regrets do I still harbor. How many more am I looking to obtain. I rely solely on my personal strength. Is my heart, my head enough to be YOUR disciple? I feel like I am not doing all I could be to glorify you. Why do I seek comfort? Shouldn’t I, daily, be placing myself in uncomfortable situations? Why do people silence those who believe in Christ and listen to those who don’t? WE LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT GOD. Am I part of that? Am I too scared to defend Your death for me? Do I have the wrong beliefs? Why does Your truth make me angry?

I Know Nothing

I know nothing. I know nothing about the Lord’s plans for me. I feel Him pushing me to do certain things to glorify Him, but I must remember that I know nothing. I cannot and should not over simplify His actions, His thoughts, His greatness. I know nothing about His all encompassing power and glory. Who am i to try to simplify His power to others? God is like outer space. Grand and infinite. We don’t understand the workings of it, we don’t even come close. It is easy to push aside, but the truth is without either , our existence, our creation, our world would never be. A complicated and mysterious thing that we have fallen in love with. You can’t look at such grandeur and think that the oversimplification of it all coming together as a result of an explosion is viable. The perfect harmony, the vastness, the only answer is that there is a Higher God that created all of this for us. But I know nothing. I only have faith to affirm and to root me firmly in my love for the Lord. 

Rainy Days

Rainy days are thinking days. Time for introspection and communication with oneself. The water is a cleansing ritual. The world is offering you second chances on a small scale. Little drops falling, each drop containing truth serum making you tell the truth to yourself. Rainy days are a breath of fresh air with every breath. Rainy days wash the world. Wash the smoke and dirt and city out of the air for a while. Rainy days are stay in bed days. Listen to the raindrops singing and chanting on the roof and tapping on the window beckoning to come out and play, while you lay underneath a warm quilt with a cup of hot tea. Rainy days are funeral days. When the sky pours out tears at the loss of a friend, a child, a brother. Rainy days test strength, test faith. Too much truth serum makes you scared, makes you doubt. Rainy days are humbling days. The rain strips you down to your bare elements. How insignificant those bare elements. How unworthy. Rainy days are a glimpse of how the world works, just a tease of knowledge. Rainy days are barefoot days. Rainy days are take showers outside days. Rainy days are days to walk without an umbrella, to hug nature to embrace it and let it kiss you over and over again. Rainy days are days to be vulnerable and open.