My Heart is at HOME.

Today was a beautiful day. Today the weather was warm and inviting. Today I didn't need a jacket or a scarf. Today I went into D.C. and it felt comfortable, like a home. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the people surrounding or the size or the lack of trees. This year I have been struggling with moving out of the area where I was born and raised, the Shenandoah Valley into a city. These two places are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. The Valley is a mountainous area, there are forests and it is overall smaller, allowing for the existence of community. It is a good old southern home town.

The city on the other hand is fast paced and every one looking out for no one but themselves. Too busy to even open a door... Until today. When a man in a suit held a door open to a restaurant for a substantial amount of time, until I walked by. Though I didn't actually go into the building that simple gesture is something that is rare. Holding a door open is rare. I have struggled so much with trying to adjust to the lack of awareness and empathy for others in the surrounding community (the city). And frankly college kids just piss me off. So many things are taken for granted and there are no acts of kindness. 


But while that man held the door open today I realized that,


not everyone in this area is the same. There is patience in some. There is sincerity. 


That man made me feel like we were collaborating in something instead of competing. The norm is for people to feel like they have to prove themselves and their success to each other. But that man wasn't competing with me, he was working alongside with me, he wanted me to succeed. He acted like people from home act. 


If I ever interact with that man every again he will probably think that this whole situation is over analyzed and that he was simply holding a door open. But it meant so much more to me. He is my hero of the day.

The weather mixed with the human like action of the man (as opposed to the frantic robotic racing mode of others) triggered thoughts from home, thoughts of my future. Well maybe just furthered because these two things have been on my mind a lot lately.

The first-my home. My home doesn't just entail the physical location but more significantly the people (my family, the overall community) and the lifestyle pace, the goals of a society. Collaboration versus competition. "My home is not a place, it is people." Lois Bujold.

I just got two jobs. Two wonderful jobs which are pushing me to grow and learn about myself and where I see myself career wise. Two jobs which I work everyday and Saturday, which means no more weekend trips home for me. Last semester I went home when I needed to recharge and regain hope in humanity. When I missed my family. But now it is harder for me to go home. Actually I won't be able to until summer.

So of course knowing this makes me miss home even more. Miss the mountains and the noticeably cleaner air, the kindness of complete strangers. But most of all I miss my family. The people which for a while I couldn't wait to get away from for a while, but now how I miss those afternoons watching television with my sisters and knowing what the heck is going on in my brothers life. And most of all I miss having people that truly cared for me and took time to see things from my side. And even when I was blatantly wrong or just whining, they let me have my time. I miss how much they love me.

I miss hugging my mom. I miss knowing my dad can make things better. I miss enjoying the relationships we hardly had when I was younger. I miss washing dishes for my mom. I miss home. I miss my family. I love them. More than I thought I could. More than I hoped I would. I want so badly to show how great, how amazing my family is. Pictures can illustrate their joy, their innocence significantly better.

 My youngest sister, Veronica. When I went home for winter break she had a list of things for us to do, one was going to the park and feeding the ducks. She got sick after because it was a little chilly out but she is a trooper.

She loves to try out makeup. Such a typical girl. She wins my heart over every time I think about her. She is one of the most empathetic people I know. I hope she never grows up. I miss her hugs and jokes.

This is the whole family right before I left to come back to Fairfax. I miss being home to be able to say good bye. I miss us being a unit.

Both of my sisters, Angelica the older and Veronica. They make such a great team. I miss watching them interact. I miss how well we were the girls.

Angelica at a festival at home. I miss having those festivals. I miss having her to practice my art work. I miss having someone who is so adventurous and ready to do new things. I miss how much she looks up to me. She is going to do big things, but right now I just want her to hug me.

Veronica, when I went home one weekend last semester. We were getting ice cream right after church. I miss my church at home. That was the last thing I thought I would miss. It turns out that particular church was a bigger part of my life than I thought. I miss Veronica's goofiness.

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
John Ed Pearce


I can't wait to see them oh so soon, this weekend they are coming up for a night! But I want to go back to my mountains, my bed, my home, my community. 


My mom told me that it hurts her heart to have me leave, but that she knows that I have to study to do great things. She has so much hope in me already and I haven't even proven myself. Her love is fully unconditional. My dad said he is proud of me. I spent most of life trying to get him to say that. He has felt it all along but now that I'm gone we both realize how much. My brother definitely needed space away from me, I just hope that he stays on track. I love him, more than I have ever told him. And my sisters are perfect in every single way.