Confessions of a Teenage Homecoming Queen.

So the secret is out. People have found out. And I will never be able to go back. I was one of the girls who wears a crown and a sash in front of a football stadium. So judge me. So scoff at me. So walk in front of a moving car. Because everyone hates the homecoming queen, right Emily Osment?

And I get it. I understand where it all comes from. And I understand why people are surprised when they flip through a few facebook pictures and see the boutonniere that is bigger than my face pinned to my dress. And I get why it's funny to say, "So I saw that you were the homecoming queen."  Because I hate school dance and crowns too. My senior homecoming was the first school dance that I went to. And that was a little bit out of obligation.

Oh wait, forgot about eighth grade finals. But was middle school even real life? Don't think so.

Remember this?

In mid September I went back down to the Valley for my high school's fiftieth celebration. And I had some time to reflect on the time that I held the crown. It's taken me two years, but I'm finally aware of the way that my school and community loved me. I am humbled at the fact that I was chosen to be queen. Not in a the, gee didn't see that coming, I'm going to cry on the football field sort of way. But in a truly moving, the Lord is glorified sort of way.

Lately I've been learning the difference between oneself being glorified and Jesus being glorified. I truly believe that the reason that a crown was handed to me two years ago is because the kids at Fort Defiance are so attracted to the Love of an eternal, reliable, unwavering Father. Every community is yearning and hurting for someone to be kind, for someone to pour out love. They know that they want it, they don't know how to reach it. But out of instinct they turn to a God that they many times have never given any thought to. I am truly humbled. As believers of Christ we are called to be Jesus with skin on. Though we are far from being anywhere near that. We sometimes show some minuscule of amount of love that can transform a life. Because of our great love for our creator.

I grew up in the Shenandoah Valley, and though it may not be in the bible belt, it is a place where kids are raised knowing about God, but not really knowing about a relationship with God. People are placed in this area to show others what a relationship with God can do to a life. Two years later I realize that all Christians are called to be disciples. And I am humbled by the way that the Lord used me at Fort Defiance.

The year after I was queen, I came back to hand down the crown to someone else. That someone else was a beautiful girl, Kristy.

Kristy and Ronnie 2011 HC King and Queen

So from now on when people think it is humorous that I was homecoming queen, I won't have that small unsettling feeling. I realize now that whatever being homecoming queen may have meant in the past, it is different at Fort Defiance High School. At this school kids glorify things other than popularity and superficial beauty. They search for real beauty and the incarnation of a Jesus they don't even know they need.

So I was the homecoming queen. And I'm finally okay with that.

It's about to get real.

I didn’t realize that I had such self-confidence issues. But I found out. Big time.  The feeling of being inadequate is one that has been nagging at me very consistently lately. Poop. Like right now, and how I realize that I don’t have an art for taking words and making my emotions powerful statements conveyed through solely words. The feeling of inadequacy has partnered with a strange gripping fear of being lonely. Not lonely romantically, though that is inevitable as well, but friendship wise. I never feel like I contribute anything worthwhile to my friendships. And I always feel like gatherings/hangouts are better without me. I know, I know, no one wants to come to pity parties. But this has been something that has been nagging me for over a year now. I go through periods of time where it’s worse. But this past week has been really rough. Frustrating and tiring and I’m getting a lot burned out. And I know the answers and solutions. God loves me, He is my friend. Because I have this love I should not be fazed by other little things. But what I have come to learn is that community is such a huge, essential part of maintain a continually growing relationship with the Lord. And to this day I still feel like I lack an unwavering community. I just feel so out of place so often. I feel like a hindrance. I know that my place is here; my role is defined, not by myself, but by my Creator. It has just been so hard to feel comfortable lately. And it is exhausting to shake it off every time, of keeping this feeling hidden and hope that it goes away. Because I’m starting to learn that it won’t go away. I struggle with the need to be wanted and loved. This struggle is what pushed me first away from God and my family, and later pulled me closer to them. So this is something that I deal with. All the time. It’s not a temporary thing, and it’s not a small thing. I take things and blow them up, and cling to them, I view things as empirical evidence to my lack of good qualities, my lack of relevancy, my intimidating humor, as evidence showing that people get exhausted by me and don’t want to hang out. And it’s a small thing, really. But it is something that I struggle with. So though it is small, it consumes me. I am starting to learn this