I am afraid that my words aren’t good enough. Even as I am typing, the words look ugly on the page and I can’t get a feel for the flow. I am in an atmosphere where in order to succeed you must write to please a specific audience. My writing has been taken and changed into something different. Writing to please colleges, writing to please testers, writing to please specific teachers. I no longer write to please myself. My ability to satisfy my need to use words to pacify has been sucked dry, left shapeless. And what’s even worse I no longer have the ability to please my teachers.
Last year I took a class, Advanced Composition. Priscilla Halterman did nothing but encourage my writing and praise every different style. It was during this time that I used writing to heal wounds that I didn’t realize were still hurting. Writing allowed me to put my emotions onto paper, making them real instead of some unnameable sensation with unexplainable reactions. I want to be able to write like that again But I am scared that my words won’t please me, that they won’t placate me, that I won’t even know how to anymore.
Writing is like many of the relationships in my life, including the most important one. Work has to be done everyday in order for them to move forward. Instead I am constantly regressing. Then comes a time when I angrily battle to regain what I had lost. But it gets harder every time. This is my fight. To retain the dignity of my writing and Jesus in my life, continually growing. When I write my relationship with Christ grows. It’s like what my younlife leader, Wynner once told me, she sees God more vividly in nature so she has to make time to put herself in those situations in order to grow in her relationship. Well I see God through words. He reveals himself to me through my thoughts on paper.
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