We live. We die. Guaranteed. We suffer. Promised. We stray. Inevitable. We sin, we err, we are black and botched. We fail to love, we fall short. Always. We stray because we suffer. We suffer because we live in an imperfect world. We are constantly in pain. Each person has a period of pain. “I know I will live my beautiful wife a widow.” “I am slowly dying and I’m scared of what is to come.” Many of our experiences are not pleasant. We are full of regret, sacrificing ourselves for some temporary pleasure. Some of us are going through difficult family situations, and life is just hard and unfair. So unfair. We ache and hurt and there are no words, no actions to soothe. We are convicted because of suffering. We question our strength our motives. And we are weary. Our minds never stop running and we cannot make a coherent thought from all the strands floating in our heads. But sometimes just putting them down alleviates some of the load.
I need rest. There is suffering, death, sacrifice. And would I be willing to sacrifice all for my Lord? Uneasy. Restless. Unsatisfied. Need more. Want to be part of something bigger. Wrestling with complexity. How can YOU have anything figured out without Christ? How can you be so sure your life plan is correct? What greater thing are you working for? How are you so full of empathy, yet live life without the Lord? Why are there walls constantly around my heart? Why am I so reliant on the company of others to fulfill me? Do I have true love for anyone? For you God? Am I willing to be tested by You? Is it because I am truly selfish? Why do I judge? Why do I not yearn to love? Do I trust You? Do I love You? Do I sing with a full and heavy heart? I come to you only for inspiration. I need to seek you for direction and truth. I am uncomfortable being stripped of my identity. I am uncomfortable not being branded a leader, an athlete, a ‘poised young lady.’ I rely too much on these identities. I seek full attention. I yearn for recognition. How many regrets do I still harbor. How many more am I looking to obtain. I rely solely on my personal strength. Is my heart, my head enough to be YOUR disciple? I feel like I am not doing all I could be to glorify you. Why do I seek comfort? Shouldn’t I, daily, be placing myself in uncomfortable situations? Why do people silence those who believe in Christ and listen to those who don’t? WE LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT GOD. Am I part of that? Am I too scared to defend Your death for me? Do I have the wrong beliefs? Why does Your truth make me angry?
No comments:
Post a Comment