Saturday, March 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
"There's too much laughter and it's too loud."
There's too much laughter and it's too loud is something that my advanced comp teacher said to one of her classes a long time ago and it has stuck with me.
Because it is so true. So applicable.
Too much laughter is overwhelming, draining. You would think it would be the opposite, but it's not. When there is too much energy in the room you can lose energy, feel emotionally drained.
It's like that saying, "too much of a good thing will make you die faster and be ugly." Okay maybe that's not the exact quotation but let's just go along those same lines. Too much of something, anything, even something good can be overwhelming. Spend too much time with someone who you really like and you will begin to find fault and nit pick. Spend too much time playing something that you love and you will become bored. Spend too much time in community and you start to feel frazzled. There has to be a good balance. Time for you, time for others; time for fun, time for work; time for friends, time for family.
But what happens when everything is thrown at you at one time.
And you can't BREATHE.
Or relax.
Or think.
Or live.
Or function properly in any arena.
And it's like you are sitting outside of your body and you are watching your little self go through a checklist of things that absolutely without a doubt have to be done today. And you try to help yourself out and move things around to make time for the simple act of breathing. But it is impossible.
That's when there is too much laughter. When it's too loud. So loud that you can barely hear your whispered thoughts. And it's too much of strain to attempt to listen closely.
I am tired. There is too much laughter in my life right now. I just need some silence. Giggles would suffice. I need to be able to have enough time in the day where I can just think.
Think about myself.
What I want to do with my life.
What I have done.
What I should do better.
What my contribution to the world is.
How comfortable my bed is.
Instead of having to think of which task is next to complete.
What time my next assignment is due.
How I will ever manage to find the time to eat lunch.
How I can make it on time to class without leaving work early.
So I guess it all starts by realizing that though there is too much laughter in my life at this moment - at least there is laughter. Instead of screaming, complaining, whimpering. At least it's laughter. And always my good friend John Mayer continues to remind me that the heart of life is indeed good.
Because it is so true. So applicable.
Too much laughter is overwhelming, draining. You would think it would be the opposite, but it's not. When there is too much energy in the room you can lose energy, feel emotionally drained.
It's like that saying, "too much of a good thing will make you die faster and be ugly." Okay maybe that's not the exact quotation but let's just go along those same lines. Too much of something, anything, even something good can be overwhelming. Spend too much time with someone who you really like and you will begin to find fault and nit pick. Spend too much time playing something that you love and you will become bored. Spend too much time in community and you start to feel frazzled. There has to be a good balance. Time for you, time for others; time for fun, time for work; time for friends, time for family.
But what happens when everything is thrown at you at one time.
And you can't BREATHE.
Or relax.
Or think.
Or live.
Or function properly in any arena.
And it's like you are sitting outside of your body and you are watching your little self go through a checklist of things that absolutely without a doubt have to be done today. And you try to help yourself out and move things around to make time for the simple act of breathing. But it is impossible.
That's when there is too much laughter. When it's too loud. So loud that you can barely hear your whispered thoughts. And it's too much of strain to attempt to listen closely.
I am tired. There is too much laughter in my life right now. I just need some silence. Giggles would suffice. I need to be able to have enough time in the day where I can just think.
Think about myself.
What I want to do with my life.
What I have done.
What I should do better.
What my contribution to the world is.
How comfortable my bed is.
Instead of having to think of which task is next to complete.
What time my next assignment is due.
How I will ever manage to find the time to eat lunch.
How I can make it on time to class without leaving work early.
So I guess it all starts by realizing that though there is too much laughter in my life at this moment - at least there is laughter. Instead of screaming, complaining, whimpering. At least it's laughter. And always my good friend John Mayer continues to remind me that the heart of life is indeed good.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Meric Long, Notes
I feel like I've been told to not get inside myself too much multiple times. I don't listen well.
Today I failed.
There are times when situation after situation make you question whether you have any idea what you are doing. When you take a brief step back (long enough to find that there is an issue with your contribution to the world but not long enough to be able to identify the issue) and you are completely stumped by your absolute and utter incompetence at, well at everything.
Like when you have been working somewhere for three weeks and someone asks you where the bathroom is, and you open your mouth to answer and then there is that awkward pause where the person is probably peeing their pants because you still haven't answered the question because you just realized that, "What the heck? How do I not know where the bathrooms are? Isn't that the most basic information? I mean people that don't work here know that."
Or when someone asks you about something and you say, "Yeah I totally know what you are saying. You just go over to the computer, type in the title, get the call number and go search for the book." And then they look at you like you just told them that their child is the worst soccer player on the team. And then they hand you a slip of paper and say, "Actually you are supposed to go in the back and get the book for me." Oh. Right. Even you knew that.
Or when the lab instructor comes by to check on your work and he says, "are you sure about that answer?" And you say, "well since you said something, no, no I'm not sure anymore." And then he says, "Well it's obviously not slate because slate doesn't have minerals and these minerals are huge." Well. I guess I should change my answer now.
Or when you sit down next to someone at a leadership program and they are like, "Hi my name is Nick and I own a small business while going to school and getting a double major. I created two new student organizations, I volunteer in the community and I led and initiative that was wildly successful to send over 2,000 pounds of food to Haiti within one month." And then you say, "Hi I'm Anna I can't explain my major to you because I'm kind of meshing some things together and crossing my fingers so it will work out, I, uh, well I go to school here. And sometimes I leave my room to get food and stuff so we are basically on the same level."
And at the end of the day you look at your life, look at your choices and you see a fairly productive day. But then if you squint one eye and cup your hands like a telescope you see nothing. Nothing. That is the your effect on the world. I mean you yourself are benefiting a lot. You are getting paid for being barely competent at your job, your mistakes are corrected by other so you are never really allowed to fail, and people say, "Well you're young, maybe one day you will make some sort of contribution to society."
And all of these small things start to pile up and it makes you sad. Not the kind of sad when you are angry sad or crying sad but the kind of sad when your heart gives a tiny little sigh. Like when you climb a really tall building and look down and the people look like dots and it's really cool for a while because it's like you are a king or superhero and then you realize that you could easily be an unidentifiable, insignificant dot. It's not like you are so shaken up that you are going to jump off the building but for a little bit it feels just a tad unfair.
And then you climb back down and you go about your life and the same thing happens again but this time with small things in your life. And you realize that you are that dot again. But this time you look around and you see real people doing real things, making real contributions. And you kind of suck for not being a real person. For having so much and not doing anything to give back. And then you walk the streets of D.C. and it's cold but you have a warm room to go to, while others have a cold sidewalk. And you see how much of a dot you are. Because there is so much you could do. But you have been taught stranger danger and you have been told well what can you really do.
Well why not ask. I mean why has this never been a solution to me before? Why not go up and ask, what can I do for you? Spare a few dollars? Do it. Why have I been taught to be so stingy? Why is there no more empathy. Is that no longer a desirable trait? I mean this is literally type vomit. Something that crossed my mind and quickly zapped onto the keyboard. But I like it. I like it a lot.
Not that this will help me not be a dot. Or tell people where the bathroom is located. But the first step is to be aware of my insignificance. The next is to decide how I will not longer be insignificant. I have plans for the future, but let's be real, will I even make it that far? And aren't my plans a little ambitious and idealistic? Yes, yes they are. I haven't even given the world a real chance to knock me down and steal my livelihood yet. So what am I, Anna Martinez, going to do to stop being a dot? Good question, real good. I mean there are people fighting, literally giving up everything for the abstract concept of freedom. People all around me are changing lives of millions, people younger than me. Let's get real I'm aging faster than I should be. I should jump on my life and get my act together. People have let me coast by way too easily.
I want to change the world.
Impossible.
Why would I set my sights any lower?
I want to work with immigrants.
Children.
The education system.
Worker's rights.
Families that are not so cohesive (by that I mean falling apart).
The elderly. Give them the respect they deserve.
Adults who can't read.
Children in other nations who are forced to be grown ups.
Children here who are spoiled.
I want to hide in the mountains and live a life away from people.
I want to yell at everyone who gets drunk and high on weekends and punch them in the face.
I want to show people how much they are hurting, themselves, others, me, their future families and wives/husbands.
I want to stop unemployment.
I want schools to have better ESL programs.
Anti bullying programs.
Better disability programs.
I want ignorance to be gone.
I want gender equality.
I want enough sleep.
And I want to be happy with someone who loves me and believes in me.
Someone who is not my family.
Someone who God wants me to have.
I want people to feel the love God has shown me.
To stop suicide.
To stop self disappointment, self hatred.
I want to know what I want and how to get it.
I want to be a real person.
I'm tired of being a dot, even though I'm really good at it, too good.
I want someone who appreciates education. And college for learning. FOR LEARNING.
I might be all over the place. So let me get an action plan together. Lord, lead me to where you want me. To what you want me to do. Keep my views in perspective. Remind me in my supposed times of need of those with real problems. Lord help me make your world better. Help me to change the world. Help me to do this without falling into corruption. Lord teach me appreciation, teach me gratitude.
Like when you have been working somewhere for three weeks and someone asks you where the bathroom is, and you open your mouth to answer and then there is that awkward pause where the person is probably peeing their pants because you still haven't answered the question because you just realized that, "What the heck? How do I not know where the bathrooms are? Isn't that the most basic information? I mean people that don't work here know that."
Or when someone asks you about something and you say, "Yeah I totally know what you are saying. You just go over to the computer, type in the title, get the call number and go search for the book." And then they look at you like you just told them that their child is the worst soccer player on the team. And then they hand you a slip of paper and say, "Actually you are supposed to go in the back and get the book for me." Oh. Right. Even you knew that.
Or when the lab instructor comes by to check on your work and he says, "are you sure about that answer?" And you say, "well since you said something, no, no I'm not sure anymore." And then he says, "Well it's obviously not slate because slate doesn't have minerals and these minerals are huge." Well. I guess I should change my answer now.
Or when you sit down next to someone at a leadership program and they are like, "Hi my name is Nick and I own a small business while going to school and getting a double major. I created two new student organizations, I volunteer in the community and I led and initiative that was wildly successful to send over 2,000 pounds of food to Haiti within one month." And then you say, "Hi I'm Anna I can't explain my major to you because I'm kind of meshing some things together and crossing my fingers so it will work out, I, uh, well I go to school here. And sometimes I leave my room to get food and stuff so we are basically on the same level."
And at the end of the day you look at your life, look at your choices and you see a fairly productive day. But then if you squint one eye and cup your hands like a telescope you see nothing. Nothing. That is the your effect on the world. I mean you yourself are benefiting a lot. You are getting paid for being barely competent at your job, your mistakes are corrected by other so you are never really allowed to fail, and people say, "Well you're young, maybe one day you will make some sort of contribution to society."
And all of these small things start to pile up and it makes you sad. Not the kind of sad when you are angry sad or crying sad but the kind of sad when your heart gives a tiny little sigh. Like when you climb a really tall building and look down and the people look like dots and it's really cool for a while because it's like you are a king or superhero and then you realize that you could easily be an unidentifiable, insignificant dot. It's not like you are so shaken up that you are going to jump off the building but for a little bit it feels just a tad unfair.
And then you climb back down and you go about your life and the same thing happens again but this time with small things in your life. And you realize that you are that dot again. But this time you look around and you see real people doing real things, making real contributions. And you kind of suck for not being a real person. For having so much and not doing anything to give back. And then you walk the streets of D.C. and it's cold but you have a warm room to go to, while others have a cold sidewalk. And you see how much of a dot you are. Because there is so much you could do. But you have been taught stranger danger and you have been told well what can you really do.
Well why not ask. I mean why has this never been a solution to me before? Why not go up and ask, what can I do for you? Spare a few dollars? Do it. Why have I been taught to be so stingy? Why is there no more empathy. Is that no longer a desirable trait? I mean this is literally type vomit. Something that crossed my mind and quickly zapped onto the keyboard. But I like it. I like it a lot.
Not that this will help me not be a dot. Or tell people where the bathroom is located. But the first step is to be aware of my insignificance. The next is to decide how I will not longer be insignificant. I have plans for the future, but let's be real, will I even make it that far? And aren't my plans a little ambitious and idealistic? Yes, yes they are. I haven't even given the world a real chance to knock me down and steal my livelihood yet. So what am I, Anna Martinez, going to do to stop being a dot? Good question, real good. I mean there are people fighting, literally giving up everything for the abstract concept of freedom. People all around me are changing lives of millions, people younger than me. Let's get real I'm aging faster than I should be. I should jump on my life and get my act together. People have let me coast by way too easily.
I want to change the world.
Impossible.
Why would I set my sights any lower?
I want to work with immigrants.
Children.
The education system.
Worker's rights.
Families that are not so cohesive (by that I mean falling apart).
The elderly. Give them the respect they deserve.
Adults who can't read.
Children in other nations who are forced to be grown ups.
Children here who are spoiled.
I want to hide in the mountains and live a life away from people.
I want to yell at everyone who gets drunk and high on weekends and punch them in the face.
I want to show people how much they are hurting, themselves, others, me, their future families and wives/husbands.
I want to stop unemployment.
I want schools to have better ESL programs.
Anti bullying programs.
Better disability programs.
I want ignorance to be gone.
I want gender equality.
I want enough sleep.
And I want to be happy with someone who loves me and believes in me.
Someone who is not my family.
Someone who God wants me to have.
I want people to feel the love God has shown me.
To stop suicide.
To stop self disappointment, self hatred.
I want to know what I want and how to get it.
I want to be a real person.
I'm tired of being a dot, even though I'm really good at it, too good.
I want someone who appreciates education. And college for learning. FOR LEARNING.
I might be all over the place. So let me get an action plan together. Lord, lead me to where you want me. To what you want me to do. Keep my views in perspective. Remind me in my supposed times of need of those with real problems. Lord help me make your world better. Help me to change the world. Help me to do this without falling into corruption. Lord teach me appreciation, teach me gratitude.
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Land is Awakening
I guess today I am a little bitter because today it is perfect outside. So perfect. This is two days in a row where my body is meant to lay in the grass. But, unlike yesterday, today I have to be inside. Inside a building, inside classroom, inside an office. I can still appreciate the beauty of the day from within these walls, though it's not the same as being outside and appreciating it with my body.
Not only can I not enjoy the weather today, but tomorrow and the rest of the week it is supposed to get cooler and cooler with snow on Tuesday. I love snow, probably too much, but I desperately need to feel the sunlight on my skin, to synthesize some vitamin D and get my melatonin and serotonin up and running again. And I need this weather to allow me to feel like I am home. When the sun is out it is a little bit more like home. Winter here is drab, oh but spring and summer make me almost believe that this is a portion of home. Where I wake up to this:
And go to bed to this:
Today I just want to read on a grassy field, but there does seem to be a shortage of those around here. Everyone is cramped onto the small plots of grass. No room for me, no open spaces. It makes me miss this:
I just want farms. Weird right? One of the things that most people make fun of is the seemingly abnormal amount of farms. But after a semester in the city I realized that one-there are no farms here, literally, and that living in an area with farms is a lifestyle which is slowly becoming impossible. Now many farms are government versus family run. This knowledge helps me appreciate getting stuck behind tractors while driving, the smell of spring is now forever freshly spread manure, and farms are my definition of home, hopefully that image will last.
Overall it is such a blessing to have this weather. To be able to rejoice because of it. I know spring will come when it needs to. And I know that I will soon be smelling the moist manure back at home.
Not only can I not enjoy the weather today, but tomorrow and the rest of the week it is supposed to get cooler and cooler with snow on Tuesday. I love snow, probably too much, but I desperately need to feel the sunlight on my skin, to synthesize some vitamin D and get my melatonin and serotonin up and running again. And I need this weather to allow me to feel like I am home. When the sun is out it is a little bit more like home. Winter here is drab, oh but spring and summer make me almost believe that this is a portion of home. Where I wake up to this:
And go to bed to this:
I just want farms. Weird right? One of the things that most people make fun of is the seemingly abnormal amount of farms. But after a semester in the city I realized that one-there are no farms here, literally, and that living in an area with farms is a lifestyle which is slowly becoming impossible. Now many farms are government versus family run. This knowledge helps me appreciate getting stuck behind tractors while driving, the smell of spring is now forever freshly spread manure, and farms are my definition of home, hopefully that image will last.
Overall it is such a blessing to have this weather. To be able to rejoice because of it. I know spring will come when it needs to. And I know that I will soon be smelling the moist manure back at home.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My Heart is at HOME.
Today was a beautiful day. Today the weather was warm and inviting. Today I didn't need a jacket or a scarf. Today I went into D.C. and it felt comfortable, like a home. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the people surrounding or the size or the lack of trees. This year I have been struggling with moving out of the area where I was born and raised, the Shenandoah Valley into a city. These two places are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. The Valley is a mountainous area, there are forests and it is overall smaller, allowing for the existence of community. It is a good old southern home town.
The city on the other hand is fast paced and every one looking out for no one but themselves. Too busy to even open a door... Until today. When a man in a suit held a door open to a restaurant for a substantial amount of time, until I walked by. Though I didn't actually go into the building that simple gesture is something that is rare. Holding a door open is rare. I have struggled so much with trying to adjust to the lack of awareness and empathy for others in the surrounding community (the city). And frankly college kids just piss me off. So many things are taken for granted and there are no acts of kindness.
But while that man held the door open today I realized that,
not everyone in this area is the same. There is patience in some. There is sincerity.
That man made me feel like we were collaborating in something instead of competing. The norm is for people to feel like they have to prove themselves and their success to each other. But that man wasn't competing with me, he was working alongside with me, he wanted me to succeed. He acted like people from home act.
If I ever interact with that man every again he will probably think that this whole situation is over analyzed and that he was simply holding a door open. But it meant so much more to me. He is my hero of the day.
The weather mixed with the human like action of the man (as opposed to the frantic robotic racing mode of others) triggered thoughts from home, thoughts of my future. Well maybe just furthered because these two things have been on my mind a lot lately.
The first-my home. My home doesn't just entail the physical location but more significantly the people (my family, the overall community) and the lifestyle pace, the goals of a society. Collaboration versus competition. "My home is not a place, it is people." Lois Bujold.
I just got two jobs. Two wonderful jobs which are pushing me to grow and learn about myself and where I see myself career wise. Two jobs which I work everyday and Saturday, which means no more weekend trips home for me. Last semester I went home when I needed to recharge and regain hope in humanity. When I missed my family. But now it is harder for me to go home. Actually I won't be able to until summer.
So of course knowing this makes me miss home even more. Miss the mountains and the noticeably cleaner air, the kindness of complete strangers. But most of all I miss my family. The people which for a while I couldn't wait to get away from for a while, but now how I miss those afternoons watching television with my sisters and knowing what the heck is going on in my brothers life. And most of all I miss having people that truly cared for me and took time to see things from my side. And even when I was blatantly wrong or just whining, they let me have my time. I miss how much they love me.
I miss hugging my mom. I miss knowing my dad can make things better. I miss enjoying the relationships we hardly had when I was younger. I miss washing dishes for my mom. I miss home. I miss my family. I love them. More than I thought I could. More than I hoped I would. I want so badly to show how great, how amazing my family is. Pictures can illustrate their joy, their innocence significantly better.
My youngest sister, Veronica. When I went home for winter break she had a list of things for us to do, one was going to the park and feeding the ducks. She got sick after because it was a little chilly out but she is a trooper.
She loves to try out makeup. Such a typical girl. She wins my heart over every time I think about her. She is one of the most empathetic people I know. I hope she never grows up. I miss her hugs and jokes.
This is the whole family right before I left to come back to Fairfax. I miss being home to be able to say good bye. I miss us being a unit.
Both of my sisters, Angelica the older and Veronica. They make such a great team. I miss watching them interact. I miss how well we were the girls.
Angelica at a festival at home. I miss having those festivals. I miss having her to practice my art work. I miss having someone who is so adventurous and ready to do new things. I miss how much she looks up to me. She is going to do big things, but right now I just want her to hug me.
Veronica, when I went home one weekend last semester. We were getting ice cream right after church. I miss my church at home. That was the last thing I thought I would miss. It turns out that particular church was a bigger part of my life than I thought. I miss Veronica's goofiness.
"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
John Ed Pearce
I can't wait to see them oh so soon, this weekend they are coming up for a night! But I want to go back to my mountains, my bed, my home, my community.
My mom told me that it hurts her heart to have me leave, but that she knows that I have to study to do great things. She has so much hope in me already and I haven't even proven myself. Her love is fully unconditional. My dad said he is proud of me. I spent most of life trying to get him to say that. He has felt it all along but now that I'm gone we both realize how much. My brother definitely needed space away from me, I just hope that he stays on track. I love him, more than I have ever told him. And my sisters are perfect in every single way.
The city on the other hand is fast paced and every one looking out for no one but themselves. Too busy to even open a door... Until today. When a man in a suit held a door open to a restaurant for a substantial amount of time, until I walked by. Though I didn't actually go into the building that simple gesture is something that is rare. Holding a door open is rare. I have struggled so much with trying to adjust to the lack of awareness and empathy for others in the surrounding community (the city). And frankly college kids just piss me off. So many things are taken for granted and there are no acts of kindness.
But while that man held the door open today I realized that,
not everyone in this area is the same. There is patience in some. There is sincerity.
That man made me feel like we were collaborating in something instead of competing. The norm is for people to feel like they have to prove themselves and their success to each other. But that man wasn't competing with me, he was working alongside with me, he wanted me to succeed. He acted like people from home act.
If I ever interact with that man every again he will probably think that this whole situation is over analyzed and that he was simply holding a door open. But it meant so much more to me. He is my hero of the day.
The weather mixed with the human like action of the man (as opposed to the frantic robotic racing mode of others) triggered thoughts from home, thoughts of my future. Well maybe just furthered because these two things have been on my mind a lot lately.
The first-my home. My home doesn't just entail the physical location but more significantly the people (my family, the overall community) and the lifestyle pace, the goals of a society. Collaboration versus competition. "My home is not a place, it is people." Lois Bujold.
I just got two jobs. Two wonderful jobs which are pushing me to grow and learn about myself and where I see myself career wise. Two jobs which I work everyday and Saturday, which means no more weekend trips home for me. Last semester I went home when I needed to recharge and regain hope in humanity. When I missed my family. But now it is harder for me to go home. Actually I won't be able to until summer.
So of course knowing this makes me miss home even more. Miss the mountains and the noticeably cleaner air, the kindness of complete strangers. But most of all I miss my family. The people which for a while I couldn't wait to get away from for a while, but now how I miss those afternoons watching television with my sisters and knowing what the heck is going on in my brothers life. And most of all I miss having people that truly cared for me and took time to see things from my side. And even when I was blatantly wrong or just whining, they let me have my time. I miss how much they love me.
I miss hugging my mom. I miss knowing my dad can make things better. I miss enjoying the relationships we hardly had when I was younger. I miss washing dishes for my mom. I miss home. I miss my family. I love them. More than I thought I could. More than I hoped I would. I want so badly to show how great, how amazing my family is. Pictures can illustrate their joy, their innocence significantly better.
She loves to try out makeup. Such a typical girl. She wins my heart over every time I think about her. She is one of the most empathetic people I know. I hope she never grows up. I miss her hugs and jokes.
This is the whole family right before I left to come back to Fairfax. I miss being home to be able to say good bye. I miss us being a unit.
Both of my sisters, Angelica the older and Veronica. They make such a great team. I miss watching them interact. I miss how well we were the girls.
Angelica at a festival at home. I miss having those festivals. I miss having her to practice my art work. I miss having someone who is so adventurous and ready to do new things. I miss how much she looks up to me. She is going to do big things, but right now I just want her to hug me.
Veronica, when I went home one weekend last semester. We were getting ice cream right after church. I miss my church at home. That was the last thing I thought I would miss. It turns out that particular church was a bigger part of my life than I thought. I miss Veronica's goofiness.
"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
John Ed Pearce
I can't wait to see them oh so soon, this weekend they are coming up for a night! But I want to go back to my mountains, my bed, my home, my community.
My mom told me that it hurts her heart to have me leave, but that she knows that I have to study to do great things. She has so much hope in me already and I haven't even proven myself. Her love is fully unconditional. My dad said he is proud of me. I spent most of life trying to get him to say that. He has felt it all along but now that I'm gone we both realize how much. My brother definitely needed space away from me, I just hope that he stays on track. I love him, more than I have ever told him. And my sisters are perfect in every single way.
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