There is an elephant in the room.
But the room is conversation.
And the elephant is my mom.
Or rather what my mom isn't.
Which is a mom.
The elephant has always been there, growing as I grow, settling in. Wrapping its' trunk around our family history roots, until it is just a part of who we are, of who we have always been.
But we all know elephants don't belong in the room. They belong somewhere in the wide open.
So now we all sit in the room. Moving around the elephant. Wishing the elephant weren't there.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Academia is Arrogant
You can only learn if you already know what you are learning; if you do not know what you are learning, you cannot learn it. Learn is for those that do not need to learn.
I have paused an assigned reading to record what I have learned - which is not what I was intending to learn. I have read each sentence in this assigned reading a minimum of three times. Each sentence. Three times. Once I have finished reading and re-reading the sentence, it clicks and the concepts are easy to grasp. So if the concept is easy to grasp - why does it take so long to uncover those concepts? It is because the writing is harder to comprehend than the concept itself. Sentences are longer than they should be, descriptions are detailed - but of no significance to the actual subject, and the author is wielding his intelligence by using words like wielding (but harder).
There is a concept that has become very clear - people who know things, forget what it's like to not know things.
So they write as if everyone knows what they know. Also, there is another concept that I am making up (probably out of frustration), people who know things want to prove that they know things and as a result they make it harder for other people to know things.
Academic writing is like treasure. There are ideas hidden and buried in words and elongated sentences. If you work hard and bring a shovel - you will find those ideas, but it won't be easy. This means that people who are discovering these ideas need to have basic equipment - basic knowledge about the subject at hand, which knocks out a large chunk of people from being able to learn.
Is education for smart people?
It shouldn't be, but it seems to be. I'm reading an introduction article on a subject I do not know anything about. However, in order to be able to understand this introduction, I need fairly substantial prior knowledge. I also need to be able to pick out information that is significant from information that is filler and not necessary. I am tasked with the role of picking information that is relevant to a topic that I am learning for the first time.
I enjoy learning. I do not enjoy the presumptuous attitude that in order to learn I must be an academic elite.
Someone once told me that they prefer to read small books. I assumed that it was because they are short. That person told me that they like to read small books because small books cut the fluff and leave only the important stuff. This person told me that they have rarely ever read a long book that doesn't have unnecessary fluff. Give me the information that I need without the ego of the academic.
At our core, we should desire for those around us to have access to information. The process of being presented with something, grasping, understanding, and applying is truly joyful. When you finally understand a math equation or a literary concept or how to change the oil in your car - there is pride, there is success and there comes a hunger to continue. If we make this process of learning harder to attain, people will stop trying. No one wants to seek out failure. Academia, please stop being arrogant, eventually those who hunger to learn will be whittled down to those related to the ones teaching and there will be no one left to teach. No one left to learn.
I have paused an assigned reading to record what I have learned - which is not what I was intending to learn. I have read each sentence in this assigned reading a minimum of three times. Each sentence. Three times. Once I have finished reading and re-reading the sentence, it clicks and the concepts are easy to grasp. So if the concept is easy to grasp - why does it take so long to uncover those concepts? It is because the writing is harder to comprehend than the concept itself. Sentences are longer than they should be, descriptions are detailed - but of no significance to the actual subject, and the author is wielding his intelligence by using words like wielding (but harder).
There is a concept that has become very clear - people who know things, forget what it's like to not know things.
So they write as if everyone knows what they know. Also, there is another concept that I am making up (probably out of frustration), people who know things want to prove that they know things and as a result they make it harder for other people to know things.
Academic writing is like treasure. There are ideas hidden and buried in words and elongated sentences. If you work hard and bring a shovel - you will find those ideas, but it won't be easy. This means that people who are discovering these ideas need to have basic equipment - basic knowledge about the subject at hand, which knocks out a large chunk of people from being able to learn.
Is education for smart people?
It shouldn't be, but it seems to be. I'm reading an introduction article on a subject I do not know anything about. However, in order to be able to understand this introduction, I need fairly substantial prior knowledge. I also need to be able to pick out information that is significant from information that is filler and not necessary. I am tasked with the role of picking information that is relevant to a topic that I am learning for the first time.
I enjoy learning. I do not enjoy the presumptuous attitude that in order to learn I must be an academic elite.
Someone once told me that they prefer to read small books. I assumed that it was because they are short. That person told me that they like to read small books because small books cut the fluff and leave only the important stuff. This person told me that they have rarely ever read a long book that doesn't have unnecessary fluff. Give me the information that I need without the ego of the academic.
At our core, we should desire for those around us to have access to information. The process of being presented with something, grasping, understanding, and applying is truly joyful. When you finally understand a math equation or a literary concept or how to change the oil in your car - there is pride, there is success and there comes a hunger to continue. If we make this process of learning harder to attain, people will stop trying. No one wants to seek out failure. Academia, please stop being arrogant, eventually those who hunger to learn will be whittled down to those related to the ones teaching and there will be no one left to teach. No one left to learn.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Church I Need You
Today I spent a large part of my day on twitter finding comfort from words of people that I will never meet because I didn't feel like I could find them in my own community.
Today I sat across from a pastor and just desired for him to unabashedly tell me that I am valued, significant, and not pushed aside.
Today during church community group I shared that this election is hard. That I feel like the whole nation has given up and washed their hands of entire people groups. Today I asked to be listened to.
Church, I need you. I need you to ask how I am feeling and doing instead of me fighting to be heard.
Church, I need you. I need you to see the darkness and the pain. And I need you to step into it.
Church, I need you to stop being politically correct. Your brothers and sisters are in pain, they are hurting and afraid. I need you to get in the trenches and fight this with them, with me.
Church, I need you to care. To say that you care. To stop being silent. Tell me you care about me, about my family, about the hundreds of students I work with.
Church, today I needed you to fight for me. Because I felt so alone, exhausted, and abandoned. Today I needed arms around me.
Church, stop using the fact that God is in control as an excuse to ignore a dialogue that we need to have about racial reconciliation.
Church, stop telling me to put my trust in God. I have. I do. This is still hard. And this is not God. Hatred. Hateful statements. This is not God. Church I need you to start living out God.
Church I need you. Please. I need you to love. Me. My family. My friends. Our community. Our country. Our people. Church I need you to take Jesus commands to love one another seriously.
Today I sat across from a pastor and just desired for him to unabashedly tell me that I am valued, significant, and not pushed aside.
Today during church community group I shared that this election is hard. That I feel like the whole nation has given up and washed their hands of entire people groups. Today I asked to be listened to.
Church, I need you. I need you to ask how I am feeling and doing instead of me fighting to be heard.
Church, I need you. I need you to see the darkness and the pain. And I need you to step into it.
Church, I need you to stop being politically correct. Your brothers and sisters are in pain, they are hurting and afraid. I need you to get in the trenches and fight this with them, with me.
Church, I need you to care. To say that you care. To stop being silent. Tell me you care about me, about my family, about the hundreds of students I work with.
Church, today I needed you to fight for me. Because I felt so alone, exhausted, and abandoned. Today I needed arms around me.
Church, stop using the fact that God is in control as an excuse to ignore a dialogue that we need to have about racial reconciliation.
Church, stop telling me to put my trust in God. I have. I do. This is still hard. And this is not God. Hatred. Hateful statements. This is not God. Church I need you to start living out God.
Church I need you. Please. I need you to love. Me. My family. My friends. Our community. Our country. Our people. Church I need you to take Jesus commands to love one another seriously.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Who Are You With?
Who are you with? I heard a woman ask Eleanor, my roommate's sister. I was visiting my roommate and her family in North Carolina. I heard Eleanor say - these are my sisters, but not mention anything about me. But I knew what the woman was asking. She was asking - who is the brown girl in the pool playing with your kids? She wasn't being malicious or rude. She was just pointing out that I don't belong. Because I'm different. Because I'm brown. So I stayed in the pool, but the exchange lingered. And I felt uneasy. This isn't my family, this isn't my town, this isn't my group. So I got out of the pool and sat at a table by myself. I am 24 years old and I still feel incredibly small and out of place when someone questions my belonging because of traits I do or don't have. This was such an unintentional, innocent question - 'who are you with?' Not directed at me, not an attack, not meant to blatantly single out. This should not have such a rattling effect on me. This should not make me acutely aware of my 'browness.'I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my skin - thinking that this is all everyone could see or talk about.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Because I tan so quickly
You tell me it's not fair that I tan so quickly.
But do you know the price I have to pay, because I look this way?
You say you want my skin - but would you want it for more than a day.
Is it worth it when the security guard follows you around.
Because of the color of my skin, I'm bound.
You say that I'm lucky that my skin is still dark in the winter.
But have I ever told you that it makes me bitter.
Because I've been told that my whole life white skin is better.
You tell me that the exotic look is in.
But my skin is not a trend.
Do you know how long it takes to mend,
years of self doubt, years of being left out.
You tell me that I'm so lucky to be bilingual.
But do you know the price I've had to pay.
Learning the language so I could earn my stay
In this country.
Not knowing my home.
Feeling alone.
Because I am here.
But my roots are elsewhere.
Do you know how much I long,
to not feel wrong
to not be wronged
Because I tan so quickly.
Have you ever felt judgement come down so swiftly.
Because you tan so quickly.
Have you ever felt fear knowing you're not wanted here.
Because you tan so quickly.
Has fairness ever seemed like just a fairytale, meant for the fairest (skinned) of them all.
Have you ever had to be two in one.
Playing the game, acting like it's fun.
Pretending to be white, knowing it's a show.
But if you slow,
then you are left behind.
Because the world is not kind,
when you tan so quickly.
Have you ever yearned
when you learned
that heaven is made of people
not like the ones you see in the steeple.
Every tongue, tribe, and nation.
Here is where my hope lies, in this station.
Have you ever felt you were made incorrectly. Defectively.
Have you ever been washed by relief,
felt like you can finally breathe,
when you heard - the color of your skin is very good.
That's how it was created to be.
How do we fail to see.
You tell me it's not fair that I tan so quickly.
I agree. But it's who I'm made to be. And in that fact, I will be free.
But do you know the price I have to pay, because I look this way?
You say you want my skin - but would you want it for more than a day.
Is it worth it when the security guard follows you around.
Because of the color of my skin, I'm bound.
You say that I'm lucky that my skin is still dark in the winter.
But have I ever told you that it makes me bitter.
Because I've been told that my whole life white skin is better.
You tell me that the exotic look is in.
But my skin is not a trend.
Do you know how long it takes to mend,
years of self doubt, years of being left out.
You tell me that I'm so lucky to be bilingual.
But do you know the price I've had to pay.
Learning the language so I could earn my stay
In this country.
Not knowing my home.
Feeling alone.
Because I am here.
But my roots are elsewhere.
Do you know how much I long,
to not feel wrong
to not be wronged
Because I tan so quickly.
Have you ever felt judgement come down so swiftly.
Because you tan so quickly.
Have you ever felt fear knowing you're not wanted here.
Because you tan so quickly.
Has fairness ever seemed like just a fairytale, meant for the fairest (skinned) of them all.
Have you ever had to be two in one.
Playing the game, acting like it's fun.
Pretending to be white, knowing it's a show.
But if you slow,
then you are left behind.
Because the world is not kind,
when you tan so quickly.
Have you ever yearned
when you learned
that heaven is made of people
not like the ones you see in the steeple.
Every tongue, tribe, and nation.
Here is where my hope lies, in this station.
Have you ever felt you were made incorrectly. Defectively.
Have you ever been washed by relief,
felt like you can finally breathe,
when you heard - the color of your skin is very good.
That's how it was created to be.
How do we fail to see.
You tell me it's not fair that I tan so quickly.
I agree. But it's who I'm made to be. And in that fact, I will be free.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Praying For:
Patience with my mom and things that need to be figured out.
Patience with doctors, nurses, respitory technicians, and personal care assistants. That I may be kind and understanding, friendly and loving.
To take away the fear of the recovery period. It is stressful to live in fear of what is to come.
Prayer for Eastern Fairfax while I am gone. That it does not fall apart, that this is a preparation period.
Prayer that I may have more zeal for what I am called to do after this experience, not less.
Prayer for mom, that she feels well taken care of. Prayer that I can love her well and not make my stress, her stress.
Lord, I pray that you may draw healing out of this for my family instead of more brokeness.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Back to the Basics
I have been a volunteer leader at Falls Church High School for the past three and a half years. In that time I have met girls that were freshman in high school when I was a freshman in college. Now we are both seniors. There have been many sweet moments of real life that I have been able to be a part of in these girls lives. This year I have watched them walk across fields and courts for their senior nights. Time has gone by so quickly and these girls have grown and I have grown and our friendships have grown.
I had so many expectations this year about the dynamics of my friendships with my high school friends. All volunteer leaders want to be rock stars and help change lives and be there for significant moments in their friends lives. This year that has been harder for me. I am not there as much as I want to be. So in the moments when I am able to sit with one of my high school friends, I feel a lot of pressure to make those moments powerful and impactful. I put pressure on myself to continually reach out and overdose on my presence at the school or via text, tweet, insta's, etc. And it has not gone so well.
Over and over again I try to be Jesus to these friends. I try to love them like Jesus loves them. But I fail. Because I am not Jesus. Jesus is Jesus. "I am I am." And my high school friends don't need me to be Jesus, they need Jesus.
I worry and stress over whether or not I am loving enough for my high school friends to feel they can be open with me. I worry and stress whether or not I am letting them know that I care enough. I worry and stress over whether or not my high school friends feel like I have forgotten them. I worry and stress that the precious time I have with them, I am wasting.
I pray that they will forgive me for not being Jesus.
So it's time to go back to the basics. This semester, and this past week specifically, I have realized that I need to go back to the beginning. The beginning of creation - what was my life originally created to be? and the beginning of my friendships with these girls. I do not have overwhelming wisdom to give. I can not fix lives.
But I can be a friend.
Last night, I went to go hang out at a place where two of these high school friends work. When they closed, we stacked chairs. Then we ate gelatto. This was such a sweet interaction because I had no agenda. Because I didn't try to make my interactions this huge deal. Because I went back to the basics. Hanging out with these two, I realized, these high school friends are actually my friends and I am their friend. It was so simple and so sweet. So casual.
There is no formula for being a leader. There is no handbook on how to make deep meaningful friendships (there probably is) but the fact remains that these friendships are natural and different from person to person. Sometimes just hanging out and eating gelatto is as sweet as holding a friend when they are crying.
I am thankful that this is a time when I am re-learning what friendship is. I am thankful that my high school friends are teaching me. And I am thankful that "We know what real love is because Jesus gave up His life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16
I had so many expectations this year about the dynamics of my friendships with my high school friends. All volunteer leaders want to be rock stars and help change lives and be there for significant moments in their friends lives. This year that has been harder for me. I am not there as much as I want to be. So in the moments when I am able to sit with one of my high school friends, I feel a lot of pressure to make those moments powerful and impactful. I put pressure on myself to continually reach out and overdose on my presence at the school or via text, tweet, insta's, etc. And it has not gone so well.
Over and over again I try to be Jesus to these friends. I try to love them like Jesus loves them. But I fail. Because I am not Jesus. Jesus is Jesus. "I am I am." And my high school friends don't need me to be Jesus, they need Jesus.
I worry and stress over whether or not I am loving enough for my high school friends to feel they can be open with me. I worry and stress whether or not I am letting them know that I care enough. I worry and stress over whether or not my high school friends feel like I have forgotten them. I worry and stress that the precious time I have with them, I am wasting.
I pray that they will forgive me for not being Jesus.
So it's time to go back to the basics. This semester, and this past week specifically, I have realized that I need to go back to the beginning. The beginning of creation - what was my life originally created to be? and the beginning of my friendships with these girls. I do not have overwhelming wisdom to give. I can not fix lives.
But I can be a friend.
Last night, I went to go hang out at a place where two of these high school friends work. When they closed, we stacked chairs. Then we ate gelatto. This was such a sweet interaction because I had no agenda. Because I didn't try to make my interactions this huge deal. Because I went back to the basics. Hanging out with these two, I realized, these high school friends are actually my friends and I am their friend. It was so simple and so sweet. So casual.
There is no formula for being a leader. There is no handbook on how to make deep meaningful friendships (there probably is) but the fact remains that these friendships are natural and different from person to person. Sometimes just hanging out and eating gelatto is as sweet as holding a friend when they are crying.
I am thankful that this is a time when I am re-learning what friendship is. I am thankful that my high school friends are teaching me. And I am thankful that "We know what real love is because Jesus gave up His life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16
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