Tonight is Hard.

Tonight is hard.

Sitting upstairs, listening to my parents arguing downstairs. Knowing that everything in our family is changing. Feeling that my family is literally ripping me apart and tearing me down, while my family is the thing that I love the most.

Then seeing the FCPS Confessions twitter accounts where students are named and shamed. Where secrets are revealed with the intent to hurt. Something so full of hurt and pain. People versus people. Just a few weeks ago am FCPS student committed suicide. Last year so many suicides. So much pain. So much hurt. So much loneliness.

And I am overcome and hurt. How can our world be so cruel. How can these students who I care so deeply about be such jerks. How can my parents no longer be who I need them to be? Why does it feel like my life is so hard and there are so many hoops to jump through? Where is the happiness?

And while I read through the tweets, I felt so much desperation. What can I do to fix all this hurt? And while I listened to the hushed arguments of my parents I desperately tried to think of the words that I could say to both of my parents in consolation.

And I realized, this is all so out of my hands, so out of my league. I can literally do nothing.

Because I cannot forgive the sins of these kids or my parents, I cannot take away the pain, I can not sacrifice to make it better. Because I need that forgiveness just as much as these kids. Because I feel the same pain.

Because Jesus is the one, oh the sweet ONE who cares so deeply about me, about FCPS, about my parents. And I am learning that none of this pain and hurt could ever make sense without the knowledge that there is someone, Jesus, who died for me and for those that hurt me and for those that I love and are in pain; REGARDLESS of anything and everything I have ever done or said, regardless of anything anyone has ever done. Because otherwise we are all so eternally lost in this ugly world of cruel words and pain.

And as I was having a freak out/panic attack/questioning literally everything I skimmed Hebrews 10. And verse 17 said, "Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more." Jesus truly does make beautiful things out of us. For how can we be loved through all these mistakes, through all this pain. It does not make sense. But it is true.

And in my pain, this is what I am clinging so desperately to, to Jesus, to his love for me. I am loved. Even when it feels like the world, my world is spinning so rapidly out of control. This love will always be true when nothing else remains the same.

And I am okay. And I am loved. And I am in pain. And I hurt. I am all of these things at once.