It's about to get real.

I didn’t realize that I had such self-confidence issues. But I found out. Big time.  The feeling of being inadequate is one that has been nagging at me very consistently lately. Poop. Like right now, and how I realize that I don’t have an art for taking words and making my emotions powerful statements conveyed through solely words. The feeling of inadequacy has partnered with a strange gripping fear of being lonely. Not lonely romantically, though that is inevitable as well, but friendship wise. I never feel like I contribute anything worthwhile to my friendships. And I always feel like gatherings/hangouts are better without me. I know, I know, no one wants to come to pity parties. But this has been something that has been nagging me for over a year now. I go through periods of time where it’s worse. But this past week has been really rough. Frustrating and tiring and I’m getting a lot burned out. And I know the answers and solutions. God loves me, He is my friend. Because I have this love I should not be fazed by other little things. But what I have come to learn is that community is such a huge, essential part of maintain a continually growing relationship with the Lord. And to this day I still feel like I lack an unwavering community. I just feel so out of place so often. I feel like a hindrance. I know that my place is here; my role is defined, not by myself, but by my Creator. It has just been so hard to feel comfortable lately. And it is exhausting to shake it off every time, of keeping this feeling hidden and hope that it goes away. Because I’m starting to learn that it won’t go away. I struggle with the need to be wanted and loved. This struggle is what pushed me first away from God and my family, and later pulled me closer to them. So this is something that I deal with. All the time. It’s not a temporary thing, and it’s not a small thing. I take things and blow them up, and cling to them, I view things as empirical evidence to my lack of good qualities, my lack of relevancy, my intimidating humor, as evidence showing that people get exhausted by me and don’t want to hang out. And it’s a small thing, really. But it is something that I struggle with. So though it is small, it consumes me. I am starting to learn this